Lady of the Rings, Version 3: yeah, I know…
by Hecate-Mahadevi
Summary: This just may be the most cogent and story-like version of "Lady of the Rings" yet written. And, y'know, there's action and plot and stuff in addition to the silliness. Though still much silliness.
1. Prologue

**Prologue The Screen  
**

Physicists have theorised that if an electron was given a choice of which hole to pass through in a screen, radically different futures could develop depending on the particle's choice. Supposedly, there are potentially in�nite parallel universes, some of them incredibly different from the rest, while others differ only in a single signi�cant detail. Have you ever wondered how your life would have turned out if you had made one choice differently? Perhaps, in one of these alternate realities, you did, and what happened afterwards was vastly changed from the timeline you know.

They say that the Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and go. There is no single Wheel of Time. There are many, all different colours and designs, all weaving different Great Patterns

Sam listened to the harsh chatter of the Orcs below him and silently berated himself. _Why didn't I think of that!'_ he thought. _Of COURSE the big spider likes live prey! Oh, Samwise Gamgee, you are such an IDIOT!'_

Le's ge' 'im to the tower, the leader of the Orcs ordered. Come on, you weaklings, pick 'im up. 'E's only a Hal�ing.I think not a soft but dangerous female voice said from above, and there was a _whoosh_ sound, the sound-effect of an animé jump. Sam had barely the time to glance up before a gleaming spiral of bladed death descended upon the Orcs around Frodo. The dark creatures did not even have a chance to scream as the warrior-woman whirled her two swords, spraying black Orc blood and freezing their faces forever in expressions of bewilderment. Within a few heartbeats, it was over. Sam realised that his mouth was hanging open and that he had forgotten to breathe in those moments. He quickly regained his composure, ducking behind a rocky protrusion as the strange woman glanced up at his hiding place. Her ears were long and triangular, like a cross between those of a cat's and an Elf's. Sam had no idea what race she was: she was too tall to be a Hobbit, but was much shorter than any Man or Elf he had seen.

I know you're up there, Samwise. It's all right. You can come down. Her accent was completely unfamiliar. Sam caught his breath in shock, wondering how she knew him. Then she smiled, and her beauty seemed to brighten the area and made her appear as luminous as an Elf, at least brie�y. Don't fear. I'm here to help. Turning on her heel, she knelt next to Frodo and carefully looked him over. She passed a hand over the strands of webbing that covered him, and they separated and fell away as neatly as if they had been cut.

Sam climbed down nervously, keeping an eye on Frodo. He scrambled over to his companion as the El�ike woman gently placed her hands on Frodo's cheeks and whispered, Small vertical beams of light hovered above the other Hobbit for a moment, and Frodo gasped as colour returned to his face. The woman smiled and leaned back on her heels.

Oh, Mr. Frodo! Sam cried, leaning over his friend. I thought I'd lost you! Frodo moaned as he sat up. That was horrible. He looked over at the pseudo-Elf. Thank you for healing me.

She shook her head, a small smile on her lips. It was nothing. Laying a hand on Frodo's shoulder, she levelled a steady gaze at him. I want only to help you. I intend to cast other spells upon you to ease your burden. Frodo's hand shot up towards the chain around his neck, and she gently took hold of his wrist and lowered it. _Rakan-dit naka nilatri ashivi-ras. Riban te limiru rakol._ Her voice took on a slight echo, and Frodo felt a strange feeling wash through his body. His heart suddenly felt lighter and more free than it had in months, and for some reason he no longer feared the Eye of Sauron.

For a few moments, he just stared silently into her large golden eyes. They seemed to catch the light and re�ect it, like a cat's eyes. Then she blinked, smiled, and kissed him on the forehead. She reached over to Sam, took hold of him, and embraced him brie�y. You guys are so brave, she said quietly. I could carry out your task for you, but it was appointed to you, and it's not my place to usurp that. I will, however, give you guidance. She stood up and pointed to the east, past Mount Doom. Sam and Frodo looked in that direction, and were surprised to see some of the clouds suddenly part and melt away. A red sliver of sun was just peeking above the jagged horizon. Go in the direction of the rising sun. You will eventually come to a ruined city with several tunnels leading underground. Enter the one next to the fountain that has a broken sculpture of a dolphin and a winged horse. You will �nd aid there. She began to turn away, but then glanced back. Oh, and don't worry about the Orcs and stuff in Mordor. She extended a hand towards the two Hobbits, and they felt a tingling sensation.

we have to take the Ring to Mount Doom to destroy it, Frodo protested. How will we—?It will be destroyed, she assured him. Just not yet. With a smile, she bid them farewell, rose into the air, and �ew away.

Frodo and Sam stood there, gaping, until the woman had vanished from sight. Then Sam shook himself. Come on, Mr. Frodo! Let's go!

Gollum snarled and hissed to himself as he made his way up the cliffside. Stupid! Stupid, stupid! We have failed, my love No! No love! Master is taking the Precious to the Mountain of Doom to destroy it! He gave a wail of anguish. But we will ambush him, won't we? We will �nds him, and take back the Precious

Suddenly, an invisible force plucked him from the crag, and he found himself slowly �oating down towards a ledge several yards below. He squealed, �ailed, and tried to bite whatever was holding him, but it was as if the air itself had wrapped around him, as intangible as ever.

Hello, Sméagol, a female voice said from below him. He looked in the direction from which it had come, and saw a strange woman with horizontal cat-ears and a furry brown tail. Then he realised that she had pronounced his original name the right way—/smegol'/ instead of /smigol', the way the treacherous Hobbitses had.

Wh—what do you wants with us? he hissed.

She reached up towards him, and he �oated closer to her. I've been wanting to try out the new über-healing spell I developed, she explained. It's a combination of Rayaluan psionic healing, the Healing talent drawn from the True Source, and the _Heal_ spell. Placing a hand on either side of his face, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and there was a bright �ash.

The world seemed to shake. A column of light poured from the sky onto the still-�oating Gollum, and he gasped sharply and shivered uncontrollably as feelings like molten rock and stone-shattering cold rippled through his body. His head was spinning—he was going to fall—he reached out to break his fall, and found himself standing on solid ground. The woman had a hand on his shoulder to help support him, and when he was certain he was not going to lose his balance, she crouched down in front of him.

Feel better? she asked with a friendly smile.

Sméagol shut his eyes and took a deep breath. The voices in his head were gone. The lust for his that had burned in his heart for so long had disappeared. He ran a hand over his scalp and felt that he had actual hair again, for the �rst time in centuries.

can't believe this he said quietly. I feelI don't know how to describe it. It's like I'm—normal again. He opened his eyes and stared at the cat-woman. Everything sincefor so many yearsit feels like it was all a dreamwas I he asked.

It wasn't your fault, Sméagol, the woman said gently. Sauron's Ring of Power has a tendency to corrupt the minds of those with whom it comes in contact. he whispered, feeling his throat tighten. I killedmy own brotherNo. You weren't in control of yourself at that time. The Ring was manipulating you.

He looked at her, bewildered. How do you know all of these things?I have ways of gathering information. She stood up and tucked a lock of dark hair behind one of her long ears. My work here is donefor now. Don't worry yourself, Sméagol. Everything will be all right. I plan to return to Middle-Earth very soon. She gracefully rose into the air, much to the surprise and confusion of the River-Hobbit standing before her.

Wait—! Please don't leave yet! he said quickly. I have nowhere to go. My peoplecast me out. They probably have not forgotten; my kind have long memories. I don't even know ifif they're still there. Sméagol dropped to one knee, clasped his hands in front of his chest, and looked up imploringly at the catlike woman. Catlike? Yes, but El�ike, too. He could remember, now, what Elves looked like. If you take me with you, I will do anything you wishanything to atone for the horrible deeds I did and in payment for what you have done for me.

She smiled radiantly. I need no payment. I will, however, allow you to travel with me for as long as you need. She reached down, took him by the hand, and they sailed up into the sky.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One In Search of Hobbits  
**

Gimli leaned against an outcropping to catch his breath. His chest was getting tight and his throat seeming to close, as sometimes happened when he overexerted himself.

Aragorn, �fty yards ahead, knelt to examine the ground. We're still on the right track! Come on! He raced on down the hillside, with Legolas following close behind.

Gimli panted. Bloody Hell! Dwarves are built for sprinting, not long-distance cross-country runs! We've been going at this pace for days on end now! He took a few deep breaths, and took off after his two companions, only to lose his footing in the unstable scree. He slid and rolled several feet down the hillside before fetching up against—someone's legs?

Gimli looked up. There was a woman standing before him, taller than a Dwarf but shorter than a Man or Elf, with long pointed ears. Three violet jewels rested on her forehead, supported by a strand of leather worn about the crown of her head, and her long dark hair was pulled back in a braid. Her style of dress was completely unfamiliar to Gimli, as was the design of the faintly-glowing amulet hanging from her neck.

She �xed large, greenish-gold eyes on him. Need some help? Her accent was very strange, like nothing Gimli had heard before. She turned away, crouched slightly, and extended her arms to either side. Get on my back. Gimli spluttered. Dwarves do not ride pick-a-back!

The strange woman glanced over her shoulder at him. Hey, I'm not tossing you, am I? Something below the hem of her tunic twitched, and Gimli looked down and was shocked to see a tufted tail swishing between her legs.

She raised her head and peered down the slope. Crap. They just don't slow down, do they? Gimli made a noise that was part exasperation, part growl, and part embarrassment. Oh, for crying out loud! the woman muttered, whirling back to face the Dwarven warrior. Before he could react, he had been slung over the stranger's shoulders like a sack of ore, and she was bounding down the hillside, rapidly closing with Aragorn and Legolas.

P—P—PUT ME DOWN! he bellowed, shaking his feet and �sts but being careful not to strike her. YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS INSULT TO MY DIGNITY!I gave you a choice, Gimli, and you refused it, she replied nonchalantly, as Aragorn and Legolas glanced back up the slope to see what the noise was.

W—what are you doing with our companion! Aragorn demanded. Legolas instinctively began to reach for an arrow, but something stayed his hand. Perhaps it was his convulsive laughter at the sight of Gimli �ailing about and being carried on the shoulders of a woman who, by the look of her, could not have weighed more than half of what her burden's weight would be if he were stark naked and carrying no armour or weapons.

Damn you, Elf! Gimli roared, shaking his �st. I was _this_ close to starting to not dislike you! Legolas fell to his knees and wiped tears from his eyes. Based on Aragorn's sputters, he was �ghting a losing battle to keep from also collapsing in mirth.

Who—who _are_ you the Ranger �nally managed to squeeze out.

The newcomer let out a puff. My name is Kali. Now let's get moving! The Orcs are �ve miles in that direction. She balanced Gimli on her shoulder with one hand and used the other one to point roughly south. We'd best hurry. Kali shifted the Dwarf onto her back, leaned forward, and took off running down the remainder of the hillside and onto the rocky �atland below it.

WAIT! Stop! Put me down! Gimli shouted, from his position hanging upside-down with his head a few feet above the ground. I changed my mind! I'll ride pick-a-back!

Without breaking stride, Kali took hold of one of Gimli's arms and one of his legs and rotated him so that he was now clinging to her in piggyback fashion. Legolas and Aragorn watched, astonished, mouths hanging open in shocked silence.

How can she move that fast carrying a Dwarf! Aragorn cried.

I don't know, but we'd best try to catch up! Legolas responded, launching himself down the slope at top speed.

After a few moments of chase, with Kali continuing to outstrip the Elf and Ranger, Gimli glanced back and noticed them. He must have said something to Kali, because she slowed down and came to a stop, waiting for the other two to catch up. They �nally did so, panting and wheezing, and Gimli chuckled. He actually chuckled! Now you two know how _I've_ felt for the last week!Please, Kalinot so fast Aragorn panted. We cannot keep up with you.

She sighed and smiled. Yes, I suppose I should be nice to you since you're old.O—old! What—You're eighty-seven years old, aren't you? she asked with a wry smile.

That's older than I am. Thus, you're old. But then, you've aged exceptionally well. She turned and began walking at a brisk pace. The Elf and Man had to jog to keep pace with her, much to Gimli's delight.

So how, exactly, do you know about these Uruk-Hai we're headed for? Legolas asked.

I have ways of �nding things out, she replied breezily. You guys want to �nd Merry and Pippin before the Uruk-Hai get them to Isengard, right? Aragorn answered, surprised.

Damned Saruman Kali muttered. He needs a good ass-kicking. I'll have to go do that when I get the chanceEh? How's that? the Ranger inquired, confused.

Oh, nothing she said, grinning. Then she turned serious again and murmured, Frodo and Sam should be getting to Firefall's place pretty soonCalm down, Aragorn-sama. You'll �nd out soon enough. Aragorn was confused. _Sama_' meant parchment' in the ancient tongue of Númenór.

Not that _sama_! Kali interjected. Suddenly, he knew that _-sama_ was a title in a language called Eastern Common, indicating someone of higher rank than the speaker or greatly respected by them. How he knew, he had no idea.

Kali glanced over her other shoulder at Legolas. Probably not _nearly_ as nice as yours would. He yelped, and bright red lines spread across his face.

The Elf shot a slightly fearful look at Aragorn. _She can read thoughts!_ he whispered.

Aragorn blinked in surprise. That must be how she knows our names He took a deep breath and wiped a sweatdrop from his forehead. So, Kali he began, trying to sound innocent, where do you come from? I've never heard an accent like yours before. What do you do? Are you a hunter? a warrior?I don't like to talk about where I originally came from—where I was born, that is, she answered. It wasn't a very nice place. Of course I �xed it up a little before I left, but it still isn't as cool as other places I've lived since then.

What do I do, you ask? To make it brief, I'm a psionic holy-warrior-mage. Legolas said. So you originally came from somewhere hot? Was it far to the south?Uh—no. Not that kind of cool. Cool, in this context, means that something is very good, pleasant, or particularly impressive. For example, I might say I think it's cool' that you're a skilled archer. In that case, it would mean I like archery and the fact that you're good at it.I see

Kali sighed and laughed softly. It might take you a while to get used to my manner of speech. I use a lot of words and terms that you've probably never heard or wouldn't expect to hear in the contexts I use them in.

But you're smart. I'm sure you'll be able to �gure it out.What does psionic' mean? Aragorn inquired.

You know how Gandalf is a wizard and uses magic?Psionic powers are sort of like magic, but come from the mind rather than from outside.all rightOh, you'll get to see some demonstrated soon enough, Aragorn-sama.

Such chatter continued for a few more hours, until they stopped after dusk to camp in a small hollow. They slept peacefully; Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas had the nicest rest they had had for days. The sleeping music from _Final Fantasy VII_ played. Legolas was the �rst to rise, and noticed the red-tinted sky in the east.

Red sky he murmured. Blood was shed last nightbut whose? I dearly hope not that of our Hal�ing quarry. Kali said, partially muf�ed by the pillow she had conjured from thin air the night before, along with others for her new companions. A party of Rohirrim attacked the Uruk-Hai that stole Merry and Pippin. Legolas whispered. How do you know these things?Well, one of my psionic powers is that I can sense things that happen far away by using clairvoyance.Then—can you sense where Merry and Pippin are?

She closed her eyes brie�y. Yes. They're about a mile to the south of us.Do you Legolas hesitated, still a bit reluctant to completely trust this person whom he had met less than a day ago. Do youknow whereFrodo and Sam areHold on Kali closed her eyes again and concentrated. Yes. They've just reached the edge of Hildorien. They should reach Firefall's residence quite soon. Legolas squeezed his eyes shut and racked his brain. It was still rather early. Isn't that_east_ of Mordor?Yes. Don't worry. The Ring will get destroyed eventually. the Elven prince cried. It is the Dark Lord's last link to existence! If he gets hold of it, he will be again able to take physical form!

Gimli lifted his head long enough to growl Shut up, Elf! and promptly dropped it onto his pillow again.

Aragorn sighed and stirred. No, Gimli, it's about time we should get up anyway.Curse it all! the Dwarf swore, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. I was in the middle of a dream.Legolas, you don't need to worry yourself about the Ring being destroyed; it will happen soon enough, Kali assured. Of course, I can't expect you to trust me like you trust Gandalf, can I? Aragorn corrected.

Yes, whatever she said, with a small, secretive smile.

After breaking their fasts on unusual but tasty foods conjured by Kali, the four trackers continued on their way. After a few minutes of travelling, the wind shifted, carrying towards them the smell of smoke and burning matter. Kali choked and covered her face with a hand.

Someone is burning dead bodies! came her voice into the three males' heads.

Aragorn sniffed the air and nearly gagged. Yes, that _does_ smell like burning �esh.

Look—over there! Kali's voice said, and she pointed southeast. The three others looked in that direction, but only Legolas' sharp Elven eyesight picked up the group of horse-riders.

I see a large group of men on horseback, he relayed. Some of them are wearing helms with long plumes of hair attached to the top as decoration.That sounds like Rohirrim, Aragorn said quietly. How far away are they? Are they moving?They are headed in our direction at a good pace, Legolas replied. But I do not think they have noticed us. He gave a start and turned to Kali. Are they the band that attacked the Uruk-Hai we have been following?

Kali nodded silently, her hand still clamped over the lower half of her face. Forgive me for not speaking, she said mentally, in the fashion of Galadriel, but I am part feline, and my olfactory organs are very sensitive.

Feline, eh? That explains the tail, Gimli muttered.

Legolas cried. Upon taking a good look at Kali, he saw that she did, indeed, have a tail.

So what race are you, if you don't mind my asking? the Dwarf queried. I don't think I've ever seen anyone like you.

That's because I'm rather unique, she sent to them. I self-shaped myself into a cross of Sekhtali, Rayaluan, Tefati, and Kender.

Gimli blinked. I don't know of _those_ races either.

The Sekhtali are a branch of the Maiar. They—

Perhaps now is not the time, Kali, Aragorn interrupted. I, for one, would like to speak to these Rohirrim and �nd out what they know of Merry and Pippin.

Kali huffed. There's plenty of time, if it's at the speed of thought she sent to them, and began jogging towards the approaching riders. Before she had gone three steps, the three men knew of what she had spoken: The Sekhtali were a branch of the Maiar that were all of good alignment (and though they didn't know what that was supposed to mean, they somehow understood it), the Rayaluan were the spacefaring race from which Elves had descended (a great surprise to all three of them, especially Legolas), the Tefati were a race of catlike humanoids (descended from cats in the same way humans were descended from apes? _That_ made no sense!), and Kender were diminutive, childlike, eternally-curious wanderers who were skilled at taunting and larceny.

_So this is psionic power?'_ Aragorn wondered to himself as he and his comrades followed behind Kali.

Yes, her voice said in his mind. Isn't it great?

Before long, the foursome had come within hailing distance of the horse-riders. The one at the head, his helmet and armour especially ornate, pointed his spear at Kali and cried, Halt! Who are you? What is your business on the Riddermark? Kali said brightly, coming to a stop. You're Éomer, right? I'm Kali. Pleased to meet you. We've been tracking a couple of Hobbits that were abducted by a group of Uruk-Hai, and from what I understand, you engaged said Uruk-Hai in battle last night, slaughtered them all, and burned the corpses.

Éomer's mouth and eyes gradually opened wider and wider as she went on, and when she had �nished speaking, he sat his horse in silence for several moments, then gave himself a shake. He took off his helmet and ran a hand over his long blonde hair. H-Hobbits? I'm afraid I don't know—Perhaps you know them by the name of Hal�ings, Aragorn put in, and when Éomer shook his head, the Ranger continued. There were two of them. They are much smaller than Men—probably resembling children to your eyes. They were wearing green cloaks of Elvish make You did not

Éomer took a deep breath. I am sorry, he said gravely. My band slew every member of that party and burned the remains. Aragorn whispered, feeling his throat tighten. Legolas bit his lip and turned away, and Gimli lowered his head forlornly.

Kali turned to face the three men behind her. Wha—? Stop that! They're not— She was cut off suddenly as one of the riders, towards the back, moaned and slid off his horse.

one of the men near him cried, leaping off his mount. Kali whirled around and dashed to the fallen man's side so quickly it almost seemed that she �ew.

Eómer rapidly dismounted and rushed over. Réldan! Are you—? What happened!

Kali carefully rolled Réldan onto his back and lightly touched his cuirass. It disappeared from his body and appeared on the grass a few feet away. Dark stains were clearly visible along the inner lining on the left side, and the rider's tunic was stiff with dried blood.

He was wounded during the battle, Kali explained, examining him. It initially wasn't that bad, but my guess is that he tried to take it like a man and didn't do anything to treat it. He's lost quite a lot of blood.! He was one of my best archers Éomer whispered hoarsely. First Théodred, now himOh, for crying out loud! Kali exclaimed, glaring at the Rohaner captain over her shoulder. He's not dead yet, and I can heal him! Taking a deep breath, she extended her hands over the motionless body and intoned, A sphere of light seemed to appear within Réldan's chest, rapidly expanding and dissipating into a ring of sparkles. He opened his eyes and inhaled sharply.

he moaned. Thank the Valar! Éomer cried, kneeling next to Kali. You are all right, Réldan? the newly-healed Rohaner sat up, putting one hand to the left side of his abdomen and with a puzzled expression on his face. I—I thought I had been injured, but it didn't seem to hinder me in any way, so I continued to �ght

Kali rolled her eyes. You men and your machismo. You're lucky I was here to keep you from becoming eligible for a Darwin Award. Réldan stared at her in disbelief. You _healed_ me? She nodded, and he made as if to scramble away from her.

Oh, _now_ what? she demanded. You think I'm an Aes Sedai or something? You're _scared_ of me!Uh—no—not exactly, he said nervously. It's just—I've never been so close to anyone who couldwho could use magicWhat, you didn't meet Gandalf when he went to Rohan and borrowed Shadowfax? she asked incredulously. With a sigh, she rose to her feet and dusted her hands off on her trousers. Ah well, it doesn't matter now. I'm glad you're all right; you don't have to give me any payment for healing you. As much as I would like to spend a little more time with you— she cast an appraising glance at Éomer, and he spooked slightly and spots of pink appeared in his cheeks—I'm afraid we really must be going. But don't worry; we'll meet up again soon enough. She turned to face Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli. Let's go. Aragorn cried, spreading his arms. The Rohirrim said—To where the Uruk-Hai were slaughtered, silly! she answered. I'm sure that there will be some clue there that will reveal the whereabouts of Merry and Pippin even to those without clairsentient abilities.I don't think I've ever heard anyone speak Common that quickly Éomer muttered.

That was _Common_? Réldan asked, confused.

Kali rolled her eyes and took off towards the south. Aragorn shook his head, seeming almost amused, and followed her. Legolas sighed and began running after them; Gimli turned towards the Rohirrim, shrugged brie�y, and followed the other three.

Aragorn studied the ground, desperately searching for any sign of Hobbits' presence. Kali stood off to one side, idly picking at her �ngernails. Gimli and Legolas caught up, panting, and asked if he had found anything.

Not yet, the Ranger responded. But I haven't been here very long.What's that? his Elven companion asked, pointing. He strode over to what looked like a clump of brown grass and knelt, examining it. It looks It's a piece of rope.

Aragorn went over to see. A frayed piece of rope, and a broken blade He examined the surrounding area. From the indentations in the soil, it looked like the two Hobbits had been seated or lying there, at least brie�y. One of them had used a jagged blade, likely dropped by some Orc during the melee, to saw through the rope binding his hands together, then probably helped the other to get free. Amid the Orc footprints and spatters of black blood, Aragorn found tracks indicating that Merry and Pippin had escaped the slaughterby entering Fangorn Forest.

Oh, no he murmured. Why would they go in there?Because it was safer than dodging Orc swords and Rohirrim spears? Kali called.

He whirled around to face her, about to say something, then changed his mind and shook his head. _With ears like that, it's not surprising to think she can hear so well'_ he thought.

That, and the fact that I'm psychic, she Sent. Walking towards the three, she suggested, So why don't we go in there and look for them?Perhaps I should just let you do all the searching, Kali, since you seem to be so skilled at it, Aragorn said quietly, after they had entered the eerily silent forest.

What? No, she responded. You're the PCs. I'm an NPC. You shouldn't have NPCs doing everything for you, especially when they're as insanely powerful as I am.

Kali huffed. How about I put it like this You three are destined to be heroes. I'm just destined to tag along.Don't question the Great Pattern, dammit!Not so loud! Legolas hissed. This forest feels Gimli looked around warily and gripped the handle of his axe. Kali glanced at him and shook her head, motioning for him to lower his weapon, just as the trees around them began creaking ominously.

Gimli's pulse quickened and a bead of sweat rolled down his temple. Clearing his throat, he addressed the forest. I—I didn't come here to chop down trees with my axe! I use it only for cleaving Orcs and Uruk-Hai.Besides, if he were to cut down a tree, I could just grow it back, Kali called.

Grow it Legolas asked. 

She looked askance at him. You're a Wood-Elf, and you don't—! Then she seemed to remember something, and nodded. Oh, that's right. For some reason, the Elves on this world didn't keep their psionic powers.? W-what are you talking about

Kali turned to face him, and took a step in his direction. The Firstcomers who became your ancestors stopped using their psionic powers after a while, because they didn't need them. As far as I know, Galadriel is the only Elf left in Middle-Earth who ever Sends. She took another step towards the prince of Mirkwood. Does that meanno Recognition? No soul-names? she asked quietly, half to herself, and moved very close to Legolas, gazing into his eyes all the while. He felt almost mesmerised, locked in the grip of those goldenno, they were greenno, brown He blinked. The colour of her eyes seemed to shift constantly.

Suddenly, he _felt_ her, not just very warm and softly curved in front of his body, but in his mindlooking for something. He was lost in her eyes, drowning in a sea of gold and greenhe _knew_ her. She was Kiliq. All of her, body and soul, was encompassed by that single word. She was in his mind and he in hers. Only—there was something besides her, something else within her mind, some_one_ else—dormant—

Eniv. Everything but Kali seemed to shatter and explode in a �ash of blazing heat and bone-chilling cold. Legolas' head spun, and he reeled with a rush of euphoria so sweet it hurt. That word—that _name_—it was him! How could he not have known before? All of him, all that he was, ever had been, and ever would be, wasEniv, just as Kali was Kiliq. And he understood, now, what a soul-name was—heard a faint echo of ages past—_Soul meets soul when eyes meet eyes_Lamps of the Valar he whispered in Elvish, suddenly feeling unsteady. Kali put a hand on his shoulder to help support him, and his pulse raced at her touch. Heneeded her. It was almost as if she was a piece of him that he hadn't known was missing. Her skin was hot, and her breathing was becoming faster. She drew close to himher scent �lled his nostrils, a delicate fragrance that was unrecognisable yet thrillingly familiarshe stopped, and turned away.

Well, I guess that answers that, she said quietly, a small smile curving her lips. Her soft, pink lips that he wanted to touch so muchheck, he wanted to touch ALL of her. In ways he had never touched anyone, nor ever even considered Legolas laughed to himself. He had thought he was in love with Elsawé, the daughter of one of his father's closest advisors and whom he had known since childhood, but that was not love. THIS was love. This was he whispered pleadingly.

Yes, Legolas. I know. However, now is not the time. We must �nd Merry and Pippin. She turned on her heel and marched on into the forest. The three men had no choice but to follow.

Sometime later, the hairs on the back of Aragorn's neck rose, and he felt as if he were being watched. He peered around the forest warily, seeking any sign of his stalker, but saw nothing. Of a sudden, Kali stopped, extended an arm in front of them, and hissed for them to be quiet.

Tell me, Legolasdo you see anything? she Sent.

The Elf glanced furtively at their surroundings. Someone is coming, he whispered. I thinkit's the White Wizard. Gimli hissed, hefting his axe.

Don't let him speak! Aragorn ordered quietly, slowly drawing his sword. He'll cast a spell on us! Legolas nodded, stealthily nocking an arrow to his bow.

Not if we win initiative Kali observed. Come on. Carefully, now. She crept forward, looking around from time to time.

Suddenly, there was a �ash of white light to one side. Aragorn whirled around, brandishing his sword; Gimli leapt towards it with a hearty war-cry; and Legolas �red his arrow. The wizard's staff whirled, de�ecting their weapons with no apparent effort, and the arrow vanished in a puff of bright �ame.

Legolas shouted.

Aragorn cried.

Oh, right! It _is_ Gandalf, Kali proclaimed.

—! H—how can that be! Aragorn cried, stepping closer to the wizard on his boulder pedestal.

Oh, the Balrog didn't actually kill him, Kali said with a laugh. They actually enjoyed tea and crumpets together. They just had to make it look like a real �ght for the Valaraukar Public Relations of�ce.

The light had slowly faded, and the three male travellers saw that it was, indeed, Gandalf. He was wearing a white robe that seemed to glow in and of itself, and his hair was straight and white instead of �uffy and gray, but it was de�nitely the wizardly companion they had lost in Moria.

Gandalf looked down at Kali. now why would something like that be the case he queried.

I was sure we'd lost you, Gandalf, Gimli said. How did you manage to survive?

The wizard peered down at the Dwarf standing below him. He looked up, seeming to stare into the distance, apparently deep in thought. Yes, that's rightI was called Gandalf. Gandalf the Grey. The three men nodded. But now I'm Gandalf the White.Which is better overall, because there aren't two different ways to spell Kali stated.

Gandalf turned to look at her and stepped off the stone, �oating down as slowly as a feather. I remember Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas, he said, but I don't believe I've met you. she said. I'm so sorry! I must have left my manners in my other pants. Bowing gracefully, she said, _Tsah ko Kali hureintelri. Gutairis ko en lehraj, Gandalf shon Diol._

Gandalf paused, surprised. _Rakan mandetiru Minfo?_

Kali grinned. _Tsah mandetiru peltakas siit-ut._Sorry, what was that? Gimli asked. I don't speak Wizard.

Gandalf looked Kali over, from head to foot, and turned to Aragorn. Just where did you meet this remarkable young woman?

Aragorn rubbed the back of his neck, slightly self-conscious for some reason. she, ahis very strong! Gimli cut in. Don't let the size of her fool you!That's true, Legolas agreed. She can carry Gimli as if he weighed nothing at all.

The Dwarf shot a dirty look at his Elven companion. There's a _reason_ I didn't mention that! he grumbled.

Gandalf chuckled. Ah, it is good to be with old friends again. Then he sighed, and became serious. I'm afraid, though, that we cannot stand here chatting to our hearts' content. We must get to Rohan in order to prevent a terrible war from breaking out.Oh, that's right, Kali said. Saruman's been dinking around there, messing with people's heads. He's just asking for a thorough ass-whooping. Legolas laughed, because he understood somehow that ass-whooping' meant she intended to defeat Saruman in the most effective and humiliating way possible (maybe involving repeatedly kicking him in the bottom? Odd, but amusing), but the others just looked confused.

Kali glanced at the four males in turn, then spread her hands. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go! She dashed back towards the edge of the forest.

By the time her companions had caught up, the young catlike woman was happily stroking the silver mane of a beautiful white horse. Gandalf sputtered and nearly tripped.

Wh—what are you doing with Shadowfax! he cried, running towards the pair.

Huh? This isn't Shadowfax, Kali huffed, as if it should be completely obvious to even a blind man. This is Sephiroth. She's _my_ horse. Sephiroth shook her head and stamped a silvery hoof on the ground. Her mane and tail were both of a silver colour, and her eyes seemed almost to be dark green rather than liquid black.

Gandalf sighed, regained his composure, and summoned Shadowfax. Aragorn and Legolas were happy to see that their steeds were following not too far behind the magni�cent white horse.

When everyone had mounted and saddled up (except for Kali, who rode barebackcrazy woman!), Gandalf took Shadowfax's reins and turned him towards Rohan. To Edoras.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two She's a White Magic WomanSort of  
**

Gandalf strode into the Golden Hall of Meduseld, attempting to ignore Kali's threats to Háma about suing for the obstruction of elderly people. he called, and his eyes fell on a sight that made his heart sink. King Théoden of the nation of Rohan was slumped in his chair, eyes pale and glazed, hair and skin crusty and old-looking; clearly not himself.

Théoden—or his mockery, anyway—raised his head long enough to take in the sight of Gandalf and his four companions. Why are you here, Gandalf? All you ever cause is trouble.You make a good point, my liege, Wormtongue said unctuously, leaning towards Théoden.

AIIE! Wormy Willy! Kali shrieked, and several guards in the room winced or covered their ears. Wormtongue looked up in shock, just as he suddenly shot into the air as if launched from a catapult. Stop worming all over King Théoden! she cried, as Wormtongue bounced off the ceiling. Go outside and get some sun, you cave critter! she continued as he fell and bounced off the �oor. And get a better wardrobe! He rose up and bounced off the ceiling again. By this point, he was letting out a steady wail of pain and embarrassment.

Théoden made as if to rise from his seat. What are you doing to Gríma, my most trusted advisor! he demanded hoarsely. Answer, Gandalf!It is not I, Gandalf responded, as confused as everyone else. He glanced over at Kali, and noticed that she had a look of determination on her face, and was glaring at Wormtongue as he undulated around the throneroom, crying out and �ailing and nearly knocking over bewildered guards. _!'_ he thought. _It must be some spell of hers! But she is neither using a focus, nor gesturing'_

He closed his eyes and shook his head. _That is not what I came here for!'_ Taking a step towards Théoden's throne, he gripped his staff �rmly and aimed it at the possessed king.

Wormtongue squeaked between bounces off the �oor and ceiling. You—were—supposed—to—take— their—weapons—! Kali shouted. Even if they HAD been able to take my weapons, it wouldn't have stopped me from punishing you! the pale-faced toady gasped as he landed on the �oor and stayed there. What have I—ever done to you—!

Kali's eyes narrowed. Insulted my vision with your wormy presence. She tossed her braid behind her shoulder imperiously. Besides, you're a sexist bastard. I can see it in your eyes.

Gandalf clenched his teeth. _Must ignore comic relief'_ he said to himself. To the wizened-looking king before him, he cried, Théoden! You must shake off Saruman's spell!

Théoden cracked an evil smile. No, Gandalf, he said in Saruman's voice. Rohan is mine. I will not give it up. You have no power here!I was expecting you to think something like that Gandalf muttered, whipping off his cloak. Théoden moaned and covered his eyes, and several guards turned away, squinting.

Wow, that's bright, Kali observed. So is your robe radioactive, or do you just have _Continual Light_ cast on it?_Continual Light_, Gandalf responded, and made a mental note to later ask Kali just how much she knew of magic.

Wormtongue cast a desperate glance at Théoden. S—stop them—! he hissed to the guards. Several of the Rohirrim warriors standing around the room reached for their swords and suddenly froze, as if the air around them had solidi�ed.

What is _wrong_ with you guys! Kali demanded. Taking orders from a wormy ex-Mentat of the Harkonnen family instead of your rightful king? Sure, he's possessed by Saruman, but he's still better than Wormy Willy!WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME THAT! Wormtongue wailed.

BECAUSE YOU'RE WORMY! she responded in a mockery of his pitiful wail.

Gríma frantically looked around at the guardsmen, still frozen in the act of drawing weapons. Why aren't you stopping them? one of them squeezed out.

Gandalf continued to advance on Théoden. I will suck Saruman out of you like poison from a wound! he announced, focussing his will for a spell. He sent waves of purging magic at the King of Rohan, and it was clear Saruman was having dif�culty keeping his hold.

Damn you—! Saruman hissed. If I go, I'll kill Théoden!I don't _think_ so! Kali shouted, and disappeared. Théoden, still speaking with Saruman's voice, let out a cry of shock.

What the—! How did YOU—! Then the King of the Golden Hall moaned as Gandalf drove Saruman's hold from Théoden's body. Théoden's appearance slowly reverted to its true form, and he blinked slowly and looked around. Kali reappeared.

what happened he asked hoarsely as Éowyn ran to embrace him. Where isÉomer? And Wormtongue whimpered and took a step back. Théoden whirled to face him. P-please, my lord Gríma said quietly, feigning joy. I am glad to see that you are yourself once again! My wish has only ever been to serveGet him out of here! Théoden roared.

With pleasure! Kali said, and Wormtongue sailed over her head and out the door, hitting the ground hard and rolling down the steps.

where is my son? Théoden questioned, rising from his throne.

Théoden sank to his knees, grief etched on his face, as the soldiers carrying Théodred's bier passed. I can't Éowyn's voice rose in a dirge, and many of the people present began sobbing anew.

Gandalf closed his eyes and lowered his head. You have my deepest sympathy, Théoden-King.No parentshould _ever_ outlive their child Théoden choked, tears running down his cheeks. He clenched a �st. Curse that wizard! Were it not for his domination, I might have been able to help my sonI can help, Kali said softly from beside Gandalf. The two men turned to look at her.

I am sorry, Lady Kali, Théoden apologised, but unless you can bring Théodred back from the dead, there is nothing you can do to help.

Kali smiled. What did you think I was going to do? She turned to the soldiers surrounding Théodred's body, preparing to bury him. Step back, please. With bemused expressions on their faces, they did so, and Kali stretched out a hand toward the dead prince of Rohan. She closed her eyes and chanted something that sounded like a supplication. The song Kaze to Tori to SoraReincarnation' began playing softly in the background as countless motes of light appeared in the air above Théodred's still form and �oated down onto him until the body fairly glowed. Suddenly, the prince's eyes opened and he drew a deep breath.

I don't believe it Théoden whispered.

Théodred sat up and looked around. he murmured. What happened?You died from a battle wound, my son, Théoden replied.

No, I meant, what happened to _you_? the prince of Rohan asked, rising from the bier and standing slightly unsteadily on the ground. When they brought me back from the battle, you did not come to see me. Éomer and Éowyn said that youthat you were not yourself.

Théoden sniffed and wiped tears from his eyes. But I am myself now. Do not worry yourself about it. He stepped to his son and embraced him tightly.

Kali suddenly looked back over her shoulder, and Gandalf turned to see what it was that had caught her attention. Two young children were seated atop a weary horse, and as they watched, the older one—a boy of about �ve years—silently fell from the saddle and landed in the grass. Kali rushed over to him, carefully picked him up, and helped his sister down off the horse. Someone come here and treat this poor horse! It's nearly dead! she open-Sent. Now, let's get you two inside, she said gently to the little girl.

Aragorn called, jogging over to her, have the power to raise the dead? she answered.

Could you, perhapsbring our companion Boromir back to life? He was—I know what happened to Boromir, she interrupted. Yes, I could resurrect him, but I'm not supposed to. Someone else is going to do that.

Kali grinned and winked. You'll see.An army of Uruk-Hai and Men, attacking Rohan Legolas repeated quietly, as they listened to the story of the children.

Aragorn sighed and struck a match with which to light his pipe. Of a sudden, the front half of the wood pipe popped off and there was a _chenk_ sound to his right. He glanced over and saw a quivering knife, its tip embedded in the wooden column. His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat as he examined his now-split pipe. _If that dagger had been a handspan closer to my face!'_ he thought. He looked around the room angrily. Who did that! You shouldn't be so reckless!

Kali walked over and pulled her knife out of the column, disappearing it into a hidden sheath somewhere. Sending the Ranger a glare so full of anger that he almost wanted to �ee in terror, she growled, Quit smoking, or your hand is next. he sputtered. I don't need to quit! I smoke only to relax. I am not addicted. To himself, he observed, _Such quick mood changes. Kali must be a very dangerous adversary.'_

Yeah, right! she retorted. That's what they _all_ say, just before they die of lung cancer!You don't like Gimli asked nervously.

Kali whirled around, eyes blazing. NO! It's a horrible, �lthy habit, and all it ever does is kill people! she roared. Her tail was swishing back and forth as if possessed of a mind of its own. The two children whimpered and shrank back from her, and she paused. I'm sorry, chibis. I didn't mean to scare you. Taking a deep breath, she extended her hands to either side, then brought them together in front of her. Waves of light radiated from her, washing over everyone in the room. That oughtta take care of addiction.I beg your pardon, Kali, but I think there are slightly more important matters at hand than the fact that you dislike smoking Gandalf began.

She huffed. Yeah, yeah—Saruman's armies. So they're coming to Edoras. So what? Just let me take a crack at 'em. I've taken on larger and tougher armies before.somehow doubt that Aragorn muttered.

She glared at him, and Knight of LodossKaze no Uta' began playing. It was I who saved the cursed island of Lodoss from Beld and his dark conquests. I personally trained a small army of Amazons to the point where a single one of them could slay an adult Red Dragon by herself. I have defeated the three Prime Evils in single combat. I exorcised a piece of Ma-Oh Shabulanigdu from Rezo Nayena, and then destroyed it. An unorganised band of savages poses no threat to me!

Aragorn was silent for a moment, blinking in confusion, then regained his composure. The only part of that I understood was the last sentence. she cried, throwing her hands in the air. I try to use in-game terms, and look where it gets me! Okay, it's like this: I have an Equivalent Character Level in the forties and can easily defeat encounters that have a CR of 20 or higher. I _don't_ think I'll have any trouble with an army composed of CR-1⁄2 Uruk-Hai and human jobbers!Be that as it may, Théoden put in, carefully hiding his utter confusion, Edoras is, unfortunately, not a very defensible location. I suggest evacuating to Helm's Deep and �ghting the Wizard's armies there.

Kali pulled her braid over one shoulder and stroked it. You have a point. Conserving energy is always a good idea. Tossing her braid behind her, she turned to Théoden. I have a suggestion, King Théoden. I can cast an illusion spell that will make it appear to the armies that Edoras is actually a mile or two away and in a different direction from where it actually is. Based on where they are now and their average travelling speed, they would probably reach the illusion by sometime tomorrow. When they �gure out the ploy, the illusion will disappear, but that would give us enough time to warn everyone and get them safely away.

Théoden nodded. I like it. He studied Kali brie�y, and asked, Are you one of the Wizards? Aside from Gandalf and Saruman (may he be buried in clods), I have never met a user of magic before.One of Kali thought for a moment. Oh, the Istari. No, I am not one of them. Only �ve were sent to Middle-Earth, and all of them men, for some reason

Gandalf turned to face her, an expression of shock and awe on his face. I would have been surprised to learn you were of the Ainur, but this is even _more_ surprising! What manner of sorceress _are_ you?A very weird one, she replied, smiling. Now, then. Let's get to work. I'll cast that spell, and anyone who wishes can go start warning the townspeople. But please be careful—try your best not to start a panic!Where _is_ Éomer, anyway? Théodred asked.

Théoden shook his head. I do not know.

Éowyn moved gracefully over to the throne. Gríma had him banished, along with many who were loyal to him, she explained. He manipulated you into signing an order while you were under Saruman's spell.

Théoden's head jerked up. When was this?Three days ago, his niece answered. They must be miles away from Rohan by now.How many went with him?

Éowyn tapped her lips with a �nger, thinking. About two thousand of your best warriors, Uncle.This is disastrous! Théoden cried. We need every man we can get to help defend this nation!And woman, Kali and Éowyn added in unison.

Théoden blinked. Yes, yes. He turned to Théodred, seated at his right side. Go and warn everyone in Meduseld, my son. Have the guards start preparing for battle, and tell someone to go after Éomer and his companions. Looking back at Kali, he requested, I need you to cast that spell as soon as you can.Right away! she said, standing up straight and saluting. And after that, I could go notify Éomer and his Riders, if you'd like. I can travel faster than anyone else here.Oh? I thought Gandalf had Shadowfax, Théoden said.

I didn't say I would be riding, King Théoden she said with a smile, turning on her heel and leaving the throneroom. Arcane chanting and sparkly noises were heard from the hall outside.

Well, we should probably be doing whatever we can do to help as well, Gandalf said, rising from his seat. Come, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli.

Legolas sat on the edge of the bed in his guest quarters, unbraiding his hair. It had been over an hour since Kali had left to �nd Éomer, but he felt as lonely and as hollow as if she had been gone for years. With a great sigh, he let himself fall backwards onto the mattress.

_This Recognition'_ he thought. _A very strange phenomenon, indeed. Linking two people together for the purpose of exceptionally talented offspring How unfortunate it would be if the two people were enemies, or if one were to force himself on the other.'_

Just then, his door opened quietly, and Kali entered the room. She shut the door, walked towards him as silently and as gracefully as a cat, and pulled off his silk tunic. He needed no further encouragement to aid her as she continued to undress him and started on herself.

Gimli called. Come see this!

The Ranger stuffed the last of his bread and meat into his mouth and dashed off to where his Dwarven comrade was standing at the top of the long stairway that led up to Meduseld. Gimli pointed towards the southwest. Look, over there!

Aragorn strained his eyes. It was still early, and not all of the sun's rays had reached over the tall peaks on the horizon. There seemed to be another large city a few miles away, shrouded in mist.

He nodded. It must be Kali's spell.So where is she? Gimli asked, looking up at the human. Everyone was supposed to get up at the crack of dawn so that we can leave as soon as possible.I haven't seen Legolas awake, either, Aragorn realised. We'd best go wake them. said something at his feet.

He looked down. A gray-and-brown tabby cat was sitting on the paving stones in front of him, looking up with large blue eyes. Are you someone's pet, or just a stray? he asked quietly, kneeling to let the cat sniff his hand.

Actually, I'm looking for Kali, it answered. Aragorn fell over backwards in a chibi pose, and Gimli facefaulted. She _is_ here, isn't she? Aragorn croaked.

the cat replied, daintily leaping over the prostrate Ranger. It trotted in through the open doors, headed for a stairway, and carefully dodged the various Rohirrim that were moving about and preparing to evacuate the city.

Kali, meanwhile, had sat bolt-upright in bed as a sudden realisation hit her like a Megaton Hammer. _My God!'_ she thought, covering the lower half of her face with one hand. _So THAT's why Guta has been so quietDamn it! I am SUCH an idiot!'_ she berated herself, sliding off the bed and beginning to dress herself. _How could I let this? Well, no, I suppose it wasn't my faultRecognition is Recognition, after all'_

She looked up at a soft scratching on the outside of the door. Just a moment, she said quietly, trying not to wake Legolas, who was still blissfully asleep in his glorious birthday suit. When she had put some more of her clothing on (she didn't mind nudity, but these humans always had such annoying hang-ups about it), she opened the door to see nobody standing there.

Down here, a familiar voice said, causing her heart to leap.

she hissed, looking down at the tabby cat seated in the doorway. Snatching him up, she began showering him with affection in the most humiliating ways she could think of. What are _you_ doing here!to see you the cat squeezed out between head-scratchings that bordered on noogies. Just thoughtI'd comehelp �ght.You don't have to, she murmured, dumping him on the bed and donning the rest of her clothes.

Well, I want to, he answered. I worry about you.That's unnecessary, Kali told the cat �rmly, brushing her hair and starting to braid it. I can take care of myself. You'll notice that I don't hunt _you_ down and try to protect _you_.That's because I live a less interesting life than you do. The tabby feline paused to lick his tail. Kali, Iperhaps you could make me your Warder.I can't do that! she hissed, binding her braid and tossing it over her shoulder. I'm already someone's Warder! I can't have one of my own Legolas murmured.

Kali spooked. Oh! I'm sorry, Lego-sama! In a �ash, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, stroking the Elf's lustrous blonde hair. I didn't mean to wake you up. Glancing at the window, she added, But it's probably about time to get up anyway. We've a long day ahead of us.

Legolas groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. He noticed the cat, blinked, and rubbed his eyes again. why is thereOh, that's Neko-sama, she said quickly. Don't mind him. Legolas climbed out of bed, collected his scattered articles of clothing, and groggily got dressed. I'm just curiouswhen did you get a cat?This morning, she answered cheerily. He was a stray. I found him outside. She shot a look at the cat that seemed to say, _Play along or you'll regret it._ Neko-sama seemed to �inch slightly. Done getting dressed? she asked. Good. Let's go have breakfast.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter Three Sorceresses and Stranger Things  
**

Frodo paused to wipe sweat out of his eyes, and sighed. How much farther do you think it is, Sam?

Sam looked around, scratching his chin. That Elf, or whatever she was, told us to look for a fountain that had a broken sculpture of a dolphin and a winged horse, he said. I don't know what a dolphin is, but that certainly looks like a winged horse. He pointed straight ahead, to a jumble of broken marble so old that even the cracked edges had worn smooth.

Frodo felt his heart lift. And there's a tunnel next to it, he observed. At last! It seems like it's been forever since she saved us from the giant spider.I guess soon we'll have the Ring off our hands, eh?I hope so, Frodo said quietly. But my hopes aren't raised too high.Oh, come now, Mr. Frodo, Sam enjoined, putting a hand on his companion's shoulder. It's been an awful long time since I saw that smile of yours. Cheer up!

Frodo shook his head, and a soft chuckle escaped his throat. I don't know how you always manage to be so happy, Sam.Well, someone's got to be! Samwise walked over to the entrance of the hole and peered in. It looks like there are torches on the walls, Mr. Frodo, so we'll be able to see just �ne. I wonder who lives down therePerhaps Dwarves, the other Hal�ing theorised as he went over to his friend. I rather doubt that it's Hobbits.

Sam looked over his shoulder, surprised. How'd you know what I was thinkin'?

Frodo laughed. I guess I know you too well. Let's go in.

The two intrepid Hal�ings entered the tunnel and went deep into the earth. Frodo examined every detail of the narrow corridor as they passed down it, occasionally murmuring something.

Something wrong, Mr. Frodo? Sam asked, a few paces ahead to make sure the path was safe.

I'm not sure, Frodo replied. Bilbo told me a little about the dungeons he went through during his adventure, and this place doesn't seem like a dungeon at all. It doesn't look like Moria did, either.So what's so bad about that?Somebody de�nitely lives here Frodo stopped and looked around. Dungeons generally smell musty and dank. The �oors are usually covered with dust. And I'm sure it's a very rare dungeon that has someone to replace the torches when they burn out.Actually, now that you mention it Sam began. I don't think those torches are really burnin'.Look at them! Sam said, pointing. They're lit, all right, but there's no smoke comin' from them, and they're all the same length. Unless they all burn at exactly the same rate and are replaced at exactly the same time, some of them should be shorter than others, shouldn't they?You're right, Samthat _is_ odd. Frodo took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself and moved on. Perhaps it's some kind of spell.

They continued onwards, until at last they came to a broad stairway that led down several paces and debouched into a wide hall. Three corridors split off: the two on the right and the left were dark and foreboding, while the path in the centre led to a room that looked well-lit and very inviting.

Well, I can tell right away which branch _I'd_ like to take, Sam muttered. It's too obvious, if you ask me. I think it's a trap.

Frodo shot his companion a weary glance. I don't think that woman would have tricked us. Not after healing me and making us invisible to Orcs. I mean, if she was powerful enough to do that, why wouldn't she have taken the Ring then instead of sending us away?

Sam thought it over, then nodded hesitantly. There is that, he said softly. And we _have_ come a very long way. I'd hate to have to turn back now.Then on we go

A thin curtain, sewn with glittering beads, hung over the entrance into the lit room in lieu of a door. Frodo peered through it, and saw the vague outline of a woman seated on a throne on the opposite side of the room from him. Nervously, he cleared his throat, and began, hello? May we come in?

The two Hobbits saw movement on the other side of the curtain, and one side of it was abruptly drawn up. A tall woman, palely beautiful and with hair as black as night, clad in silks of gold and white and red, looked down at them and smiled. Ah. You must be the two Hobbits Kali said she told to come here. Frodo asked. So _that's_ her name.Come in, come in! the woman invited, stepping to one side and gesturing. You do not have to stand out there all day. We have much to discuss. When they stayed put, she sighed and smiled gently. I can tell that you do not trust me. You are wise, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee.

Let me tell you this much: The Dark Lord Sauron does not employ women in his service. Have you ever seen a female Uruk-Hai �ghting alongside her male tribesmen, or been threatened by the minions of a Wizardess?

Sam and Frodo slowly shook their heads. No, I guess we haven't, Sam admitted.

Frankly, I think that Sauron is a sexist git, and the sooner he is destroyed, the better, the woman continued. Destroying the Ring will be a major defeat to him, as it is his last link to this world. When the Ring is no more, Sauron will no longer have any kind of physical form, and his soul will be forever banished to the Void between dimensions.

Frodo's and Sam's eyes widened as they listened to her words, for they had never before heard anyone speak so. who _are_ you Frodo asked quietly.

The woman stepped forward, letting the curtain fall back into place. She crouched before them and smiled kindly. I am known by many names, she explained, but the ones I use most often are Firefall and Girasol. Frodo quietly repeated.

She nodded. I earned that name through frequent use of a spell that causes falling stars to rain down upon the heads of my enemies. With a radiant smile, she continued, Girasol is a name that my close friend calls me. It means �re-opal' in his country's dialect.So youyou know about Sam asked hesitantly.

Yes, yes, Firefall said, rising to her feet and inviting them inside the warm, well-lit chamber. A woman named Kali came to me about a week ago and told me that she was sending the two Hobbits charged with destroying Sauron's Ring of Power my way, and asked me to help them. I gladly agreed to do so, for Sauron is my enemy as much as anyone else's.Any particular reason, other than the fact that he wants to take over Middle-Earth and make it evil? Sam inquired.

Firefall sighed, folded her arms, and turned away. have my reasons, she stated quietly. However, I do not wish to go into them now.

Sam shrugged. That's �ne. I was just askin'.

Firefall put a hand to her face and shook her head as if to clear it. Now then, young Hobbits I have gathered that for the last few weeks, your only source of nourishment has been Elvish waybread. If that is the case, you would be happy for some real food, would you not? She extended a hand towards a round table in one corner of the large room, and it was suddenly covered in loaves of rich crusty bread, wheels of cheese, a pot roast, and—joy of joys—fresh fruit. Frodo and Sam nearly drooled, but held themselves in check.

After you, Lady Firefall, Frodo said cordially, bowing as best he could.

She nodded. Striding over to the table, she told them, A healthy dose of caution, I see. Though I have no intentions of harming you, the two of you have no way of knowing that, do you? She seated herself on one of the stools, sliced a loaf of bread, placed a slice each of beef and cheese upon it, and took a bite. When she had eaten half of it and not suffered any horrible consequences, Sam slowly approached the table and cut himself a small wedge of cheese.

This isthis is really good, he said, tempted to lick his �ngers. Seriously, Mr. Frodo. I don't think I've ever had cheese this tasty. Nice sharp cheddar, it is.

Firefall smiled, pouring herself a goblet of milk. My friendsurprisingly, he is an excellent cook. He brings me bread and beef and milk and cheese that he prepares himself. He has said that his mother was very skilled in the culinary arts, and that she taught him well before she passed away.

Frodo took a thin slice of meat and began munching on it. It was absolutely heavenly—marinated in just the right amount of seasonings and juices, then roasted just to the point where it stopped being rare but before it lost its tenderness.

I would like to meet this friend of yours, Lady Firefall, Sam said, handing a thick slice of bread to Frodo and cutting another one for himself. In fact, if he could come back to the Shire with us, I'm sure he'd be very popular among all the Hobbits living there.

Firefall put down her goblet, and her face became serious. Actually, you already have met him, she said quietly. I was hoping to ask you of his whereabouts, as he has not come to see me for months.we have she answered. Three months ago to the day, he came here, telling me that his father had sent him to Rivendell to obtain Sauron's Ring of Power. Frodo and Sam said in unison.

I scried on him brie�y after he left. He did go to Rivendell, and he becamea member of your Fellowship. She sighed and went on. I would clairvoyantly check on him every so often, but latelyI have been unable to �nd him. Firefall turned to them, her golden eyes pleading for an answer. They had been bright before, almost seeming to glow, but they were dulled now.

This friend of yourshe's a Man, right? Sam asked. Frodo kept silent, for a terrible suspicion was growing in his heart and seeming to weigh it down.

Firefall nodded. From the West. He is Boromir, the son of Denethor, the Steward of Gondor.

Frodo turned away, teeth gritted, and Sam felt an expression of deep sorrow form on his face. Firefall clearly noticed it, for she sat up straight and clutched at the edge of the table.

what has happened to him She leaned forward, looking like she knew exactly what had happened but didn't want to believe it. Tell me

Sam sniffed and rubbed away the tears that were welling up in his eyes. I'm so sorry, Lady Firefall he said, choking back sobs. Boromir is she whispered, her face becoming ashen. She shut her eyes tight and shook her head. no! How can that be? I am still alive She stood up abruptly and staggered back, leaning against the stone wall. _Awani, tsah-dit vania! Khia deyal makuitres-nal rakan-dit kurchis!_ She raised her hands heavenward imploringly, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Suddenly, she stiffened, and gazed at the centre of the room. she intoned, and a round pedestal rose up from the �oor. Resting atop it, on a scarlet cushion, was a deep blue sphere shot through with gold and �ecks of light. Striding over to it, she continued, _Rakusatrèm shirtiim Awani-dit eth_. The sphere glowed, and faint images became visible in it. Frodo and Sam could not make out what they were, but Firefall leaned over it intently, speaking quickly in that unknown tongue. After a moment, she stepped back a few paces and extended her arms to either side.

_Kokish shirtsah sashartori eth kani Boromir, inro kani Denethor._ There was a �ash, and a prostrate body appeared on the �oor before her. _Kokish shirtsah mirinalt sah-dafsaghatri Awani, nituyas amafu kani shirtsah-dit kurchis!_ Another �ash, and the body on the �oor gasped for breath and opened its eyes. Boromir had returned to life.

Oh, Boromir, Firefall sighed, dropping to her knees and leaning over him. I have missed you. She helped him sit up, and the two of them embraced warmly.

Sam muttered, nearly speechless. Er, Lady Firefallif it's not too much to askwhen you get the chance, could you maybe also bring Gandalf the Grey back to life

Firefall shot the Hobbits a glance. I don't need to, Sir Gamgee, she replied. Someone has already done that. Sam and Frodo cried in unison.

Girasol, why Boromir asked softly, his voice hoarse from disuse. Why use so much of your power on me? she responded, twirling a lock of his hair around her �nger, I was not about to let my daughter grow up without a father. he repeated. You—you mean— She nodded silently, a serene smile on her lips, and kissed him.

Sam said, touched by the sweet romantic scene. Hey, wait. Lady Firefall, you said Boromir was just your friend. Why didn't you tell us the truth?

She glanced over her shoulder at him. I thought that if you knew my true feelings, you would have tried to conceal what happened so as to soften the blow. Frodo began, nervously rubbing the back of his neck. This is all well and good—I'm _very_ happy to have Boromir back—but shouldn't we, er, you knowdestroy the Ring?In time, Sir Baggins, Firefall answered, helping Boromir to his feet and dusting off her skirts. First, let us go to Rivendell. Sam muttered. Not _more_ travellin'! I swear, I'm so sick of walkin', I could just—Do not worry yourself, Samwise, Firefall said gently, grasping one of Boromir's hands. Take my hand, and Frodo, you take hold of Sam's hand.All right Sam agreed, mildly confused. When they were all linked together, Firefall leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

she intoned, and there was a swirl of wind and energy around them. Frodo and Sam felt as though they had suddenly dropped into a bottomless chasm and were falling at the speed of light. Then, abruptly, their feet were on solid ground again, and they felt the soft touch of wind and heard leaves rustling in the breeze. Frodo opened one of his eyes to look around and saw that they were in Rivendell.

Boromir staggered away from the others and bent over, leaning his hands on his knees. After a moment of catching his breath, he straightened and turned to look at Firefall. I hope that you do not intend to do a great deal more travelling by that method, Girasol, for I fear it will take me a long time to get used to. He grinned, she burst out laughing, and he began laughing too.

Frodo sighed, shaking his head. _All the time I knew Boromir, I never had any idea that he was the lover of a sorceress. They seem such a perfect match, too.'_

Sam looked around, confused. Where are all the Elves?The time of the Elves is over, Elrond's voice said from behind them. We are leaving Middle-Earth to sail across the sea, to Valinor.Oh, Master Elrond Firefall said, bobbing a curtsy. Forgive me for not noticing you before.

The Lord of Rivendell raised an eyebrow. That I do not mind. I tend to move about rather quietly. What I do wish to know is who you are, and why you are come to Rivendell with three members of the Fellowship of the Ring. He looked down at Frodo, and his expression softened but also became more concerned. Ringbearer, do you bring good news? Has the Dark Lord been thwarted?

Frodo lowered his gaze and shook his head. Not yet, Lord Elrond. I'm sorry.

Firefall's eyebrows lowered as she went deep into thought, then she turned to Elrond. I must admit, I cannot understand just why the Elves would wish to go to the Undying Lands in order to depart Middle-Earth, when they could use the space vessel piloted here by their forebears and return to the sea of stars whence they came.

Elrond did a double-take. Many, many centuries ago, Firefall said, closing her eyes as if delving out a deep-buried memory, a strange craft, like a mountain made of purest crystal, came down from the heavens and landed in Middle-Earth. Inside it were beings of a race I had never seen before, who had �own it through the sky and through the space between worlds like a �ying ship. At the behest of the Creator, they used strange powers—at the time I thought perhaps some form of magic, but I have since realised they were psionic abilities—to shape themselves into the �rst Elves.

Elrond and Boromir gazed at Firefall, eyes wide in shock. Frodo looked over at Sam, who shrugged with the animé-style dots-for-eyes confused face.

That is not the story of my race's origin that I learned! How Elrond whispered.

I had always known you were older than I, Girasol, but by a few years, not Boromir muttered.

Firefall sighed. I do not know why the Elves tell the story of their genesis as being so different from how it actually happened, she said. I do not mean to offend you or your upbringing in any way, Master Elrond, but I am certain that what I witnessed was the true origin of the Elves of Middle-Earth. I was there; I met them, I spoke to them, I learned why they had come. I was there when the �rst Elf to be born on Middle-Earth came into the world. His parents named him Gil-Galad.

Elrond paled, and actually looked as if he was about to collapse. This is he whispered. This isBetween then and now, long years have passed, and I have done many things, Firefall continued. I do not know if any of the Firstcomers are still alive. Perhaps they have all gone to the Undying Lands.I—I've got to tell Galadriel—! Elrond squeezed out, spinning around and taking off so fast he almost seemed to leave a dust cloud.

I'm confused, Sam admitted.

You are not the only one, Boromir responded. It is so strange, she said quietly. The Elves leaving Middle-Earth Have all the Lamps of the Valar really been darkened? The only Ainur left in this world are those in Valinor She shook her head. I have spent so many years studying history and lore, only to �nd out that I know so little. Arwen called softly from the couch on which she was reclining.

Elrond entered the room, a look of concern on his face. he said, please, you must tell me what is troubling you. she whispered. I must go to him.You love him, don't you? he asked, and she nodded. I understand. He must be like a brother to you.

Arwen blinked, and a small sweatdrop slid down her forehead. Ah, well, not exactly

The Lord of Rivendell strode over to her couch and seated himself on the edge. Perhaps you will be able to after all. It appears that the Elves are going to remain in Middle-Earthfor a little longer, anyway.


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four Helm's Deep Breakfast  
**

Kali kept a steady watch, glancing surreptitiously around her, as she rode Sephiroth to one side of Aragorn and Legolas. Her cat, Neko-sama, occasionally poked his head out of the leather scrip hanging from her shoulder. The Rohirrim surrounding them, both mounted and on foot, moved in silence, faces solemn and eyes downcast.

It's too quiet, Kali whispered. These people think they may be going to their deaths.They have reason to believe that, Neko-sama told her. An army of ten thousand humans, Orcs, and Uruk-Hai are headed towards Rohan. I would guess that Wormtongue �ed to Orthanc as soon as he could, and probably told Saruman that King Théoden would lead the Rohirrim to Helm's Deep, since it's more defensible than Edoras.

Kali took a deep breath. I can't stand it when the mood is so dark! Ethereal music slowly swelled into existence around her, and she began singing in an unknown language. Legolas somehow knew the meaning of her words; probably, he guessed, because their souls were linked.

_Saisho waatatakai mizu nonaka de / Utau you-nakodou wo kiita / Umareta shunkankodou no ubu-goe / Kaerou to At �rst, within the warm water / I heard a song-like pulse / The moment I was bornI began to cry of loneliness, crying to go back_

Around her, as she continued to sing and the beats of the unseen music grew stronger, the Rohirrim raised their heads to look at her. Aragorn glanced at them, and saw hearts lifting and hope returning. His own heart stirred and quickened as Kali's clear voice rose and fell rhythmically, and when the song ended, he clapped as heartily as the rest.

More, Milady! Please, sing some more! a woman clamoured, and Kali smiled humbly and lifted a hand for silence. Suddenly, her head whipped towards her left, and she grabbed Sephiroth's reins and wheeled her around.

Scouts from Isengard are coming this way! she cried, producing an ornately-carved longbow from somewhere. Orcs, riding Wargs! _Iké, Se�rosu!_ The white horse leapt forward, and Neko-sama yowled in surprise at the sudden jolt.

Legolas repeated, pulling out his bow and urging his mount after Kali. _Saruman has allied himself with the Wolf-rider Orcs?'_

Kali had a good head start, and despite pushing his horse to its limit, Legolas could not catch up with her. The scouts, however, came into view soon enough. There were only three, headed in the direction of the Rohirrim at a fast clip.

Legolas saw Sephiroth stop and rear up on her hind legs. Neko-sama suddenly appeared on the ground several yards behind the horse, tail puffed out and swishing. Legolas thought he heard Kali say something to Sephiroth—_Let's do this thing!_—and a peal of thunder rolled across the sky. A tremendous sword appeared in Kali's hand, Sephiroth jumped towards the three Warg-mounted Orcs, and Kali swung her blade three times, each slash causing a red kanji to appear in the air. Sephiroth landed on the ground, her rider's sword still outstretched, and each of the Orcs and Wargs fell into two neat pieces. A fourth scout, lagging behind the rest, crested a rise just in time to see the attack, and pulled back on his mount's reins so hard that it looked for a moment, when the Warg reared back, as though the beast was about to tip over backwards on its rider. The Orc visibly paled under Kali's direct stare, and when she hefted her blade and directed Sephiroth forward, Saruman's scout yelped an order to his mount, whirled around, and dashed off in the direction from which they had come.

Legolas urged his horse to a gallop and rushed over to Kali. Why did you let him escape! he cried. Now he will be able to tell Saruman where the Rohirrim are!

Kali laughed. I've seen the look on that Orc's face before, she told him. He can tell Saruman where the Rohirrim are, but he'll also report that he encountered a woman that singlehandedly destroyed the rest of the scouts, and that the refugees may not be so easy to pick off after all.In that case, he will return with reinforcements!If he returns at all, Kali said. Neko-sama trotted over to Sephiroth and leaped onto Kali's foot, carefully climbing up her leg and crawling back into the scrip. That particular Orc will probably be whimpering in his cave for days. Kali held her sword before her chest, and Legolas watched in amazement as it was sucked into the blue-and-gold amulet hanging from her neck. She adjusted the strap on her shoulder and stood up on Sephiroth's back, scanning the horizon.

Holy shit, she whispered. That _is_ one big fuckin' army.I _told_ you it was ten thousand or more, Neko-sama said, slightly muf�ed by the bag.

Legolas cried, sitting up as straight as he could and straining his eyes. Sure enough, a broad black carpet seemed to be creeping along in the distance, pointed implements sticking up here and there and torches blazing.

By Elbereth! he swore. That's an army big enough to slay every man, woman, and child in Rohan!Not for long, it isn't, Kali said quietly, a smug smile spreading across her face. She pointed towards the distant marchers, and sudden bursts of orange �ame erupted from among the masses. Legolas listened hard, and his ears picked up the faint sounds of roars and screams of shock and pain.

he whispered. Can you do it again?Why, certainly, she replied with a smile, and this time, the very earth beneath the Orcs' feet seemed to explode as if kindled with fury. Uruk-Hai sailed high into the air, �ailing and screaming, and stopped moving when they hit the ground.

Kali chuckled. It looks to me like they're starting to get worried, she observed. A few of them are breaking ranks and trying to �ee. Heh heh hehthat just makes them easier to pick off. Her longbow reappeared, and she nocked an arrow.

As much as you have amazed me so far, Kali, I will be even further impressed if you can actually hit any of them from here, Legolas said quietly.

Then prepare to be impressed! she responded, letting her missile �y. Within moments, one of the Uruk-Hai, still miles away from the two watchers, stopped in his tracks and fell over.

Legolas cheered and applauded. That was unbelievable!If you thought _that_ was cool, watch this! she announced, nocking another arrow. She spoke an arcane word, and the tip of the arrow began to glow faintly. It, too, sailed unerringly into the heart of a hapless Uruk-Hai.

You can enchant your arrows! he whispered, awed.

Yeah. Check this out. Drawing another arrow, she set it to her bow and aimed directly at him. Legolas started back, terri�ed. Again she enchanted her missile, and shot it. Inches in front of the Elf's face, the arrow swerved and �ew in the opposite direction, toward Saruman's dark army.

Legolas slumped in his saddle, panting. Please do not frighten me like that again! he pleaded.

Kali threw her head back and laughed. That's a little trick called _Guided Arrow_. No matter where I aim, it always goes for the target I intend it for.I must learn it! Legolas cried. Not that my aim is bad or anything, butwhat an amazing skill to haveDon't worry, Lego-sama, she assured him, turning Sephiroth back towards the Rohirrim and gesturing for him to follow. I'm going to give out lots of training when we get to Helm's Deep.

Returning to their places in line, Kali slowed Sephiroth to a walk and closed her eyes, apparently concentrating deeply on something. After about a minute, she opened her eyes and looked around. All right, people! she called, stopping Sephiroth and dismounting. Saruman's forces have been frightened off for now, but they'll probably return. We need to move faster. She strode away from the train of refugees, stopped about twenty feet distant, and concentrated.

Damn it she hissed after a moment. Legolas slid down off his horse and walked over to her, just as she cupped her hands over the amulet hanging upon her breast. It �ashed in a spiral and began to glow with a golden light, and Kali stretched out her hands in front of her. A vertical line of silver light appeared before her and appeared to rotate, widening into a rectangle ten paces high and twice as wide. Within it, Legolas could see a fortress-like structure, built directly into a solid mountain. Kali murmured. That's odd. I don't feel any of the taint. Perhaps it's been puri�ed.That's—that's Helm's Deep! Éowyn cried, watching.

Kali replied. This is a gateway. It links this spot and Helm's Deep. You must all go through it, as this is a much faster method of travelling than going overland. I will hold the gateway open and come through last. Neko-sama squealed, sticking his head out of the scrip. Did you just channel _saidin_!Yeah, and it was hard as hell, she replied. Damn hormones. She sent him a glare tinged with signi�cance. Looking up, she gave a whistle. Sephiroth, could you come here? The silver-maned white horse trotted over immediately, cocking her head as if listening for her next order. I would like you to go through �rst and make sure there are no Uruk-Hai lying in wait. Sephiroth bobbed her head, almost seeming to nod, and darted through the gateway.

Your horse is very well-trained, Lady Kali, Éowyn observed, slowly walking to near where Legolas stood.

Oh, Sephiroth is _incredibly_ intelligent, Kali replied, idly pulling her braid over one shoulder and stroking it. There are times I don't think she's even a real horse, but some other being in disguise.Perhaps she is one of the Mearas! Éowyn suggested. One of the wondrous horses descended from Nahar, the steed of the Valar Oromë.

Kali shook her head. I don't think so, she answered. Sephiroth, like me, is not native to this world.Then that is odd, Éowyn said softly, because she very much resembles a Meara.

Sephiroth had been galloping in a wide circle around the area before Helm's Deep, looking from side to side and snif�ng the air, and she came back towards the gateway and slowed to a trot. Kali watched her, and nodded.

she announced. No traps. Start heading through!Kali, are you sure Legolas began.

Kali glanced at him and smiled. Sephiroth iswell, she's sort of like my familiar, she told him. She gets to use my skill bonuses if they're better than hers. Which means that since I have exceptionally acute eyesight and hearing, so does she. If something is hiding near Helm's Deep and she missed it, it would have to be so well-hidden that the Creator herself would have a modicum of dif�culty �nding it.Did you say the Creator _herself_? Éowyn queried, slightly bemused.

Yes, yes. I'll explain later. All right, Rohirrim, start going through! Kali cried, raising her voice only a little but somehow becoming easily audible to everyone in the area.

Kali, aren't you worried about more scouts coming and following the Rohirrim through the gateway? Neko-sama asked, ears folded back in a worried expression.

Nope. This gateway is actually one of my own versions—it works a little like a _Town Portal_ in Diablo II. One must be allied with me in order to go through it.Ohh. That's useful, Neko-sama remarked.

The long column of Rohirrim slowly turned around and began heading through the gateway. Kali ushered each of them on, keeping up a steady watch of the surrounding area. When all had passed through the portal and reached Helm's Deep, Kali stepped through the gateway and it vanished.

All right, people, she called. Let's get inside. Once everyone is settled in, I'll be offering combat training to anyone interested. Dozens of people immediately started clamouring and waving their hands in the air, and Kali had to gesture several times before they quieted down. First things �rst! We need to get into Helm's Deep! She rose into the air, to the astonished gasps of everyone watching, and shot over to where Théoden was sitting on his horse. He noticed her and gaped.

Get used to it, she muttered. King Théoden, am I correct in assuming Helm's Deep has an armoury? He nodded silently. Kali rolled her eyes, put a hand under his chin, and closed his mouth. How about a big courtyard?

Théoden shook himself. More than one, he replied.

All right. Let's go! With a grand sweep of her arm, she turned towards the mighty fortress and began �oating away. Rohirrim, both mounted and not, stampeded after her, many not looking where they were stepping and occasionally running into others or nearly tripping.

Kali, why didn't you say before that you could �y! Aragorn cried, selecting a suit of chainmail.

She chuckled. I did. You just didn't pick up the innuendo.

Gandalf emerged from the various people lining the walls of the armoury and stepped closer to Kali. I have to say, Mistress Kali, that I am very curious as to where you came from. You are clearly not human, but neither are you an Elf or one of the Istari. Yet you appear to speak Minfo quite �uently.I'm a crossbreed, she explained, digging through various suits of armour and handing them out to the Rohirrim surrounding her. A lot of what I can do is due to my self-shaping. I learn very quickly, and can learn at an even faster rate if I alter my mind to be more absorbent.

She held up a suit of scale mail and examined it. Laying it on the counter, she touched a worn spot, and the metal smoothed over and appeared to harden. As she handed it to a waiting Rohaner, she continued, Of course, not all of my abilities were acquired by that method. My psionic abilities were a gift from the Goddess I serve, and the ability to channel _saidin_ and _saidar_ Well, I know that generally can't be learned, so it must have been inborn.So you're psionic? I thought so! Gandalf cried, gesturing with his staff and nearly blinding a passerby. Er, sorry, he apologised. I have seen you using various supernatural powers, but I did not recognise them as any spells I had ever seen. The fact that they were psionic abilities explains it.Well, I can cast spells too, you know, Kali stated. I just prefer psionics, because I have far more of that energy available than I have energy to cast spells.Oh, so you have only 150 or so mana as opposed to, like, 400 psionic points? Neko-sama asked, making a wry face.

Not really, she answered, reaching over to scratch the cat between his ears. I have about 450 mana, and around 1500 psionic points. You were off a bit.

Neko-sama facefaulted. You know what I meant! Then he popped up again, eyes wide. Did you say _1500_ psionic points! That must be on the Final Fantasy/PSO scale!No, it's on the Exile/Diablo 1 scale, she replied nonchalantly. He fell over again, twitching.

Gandalf chuckled. I must say, your cat is a very interesting character, he commented.

Yeah, he is, isn't he? Kali gave away the last suit of armour in the chest and plucked the feline creature off the shelf on which he had collapsed. Too bad he's going to be useless in the �ght. Neko-sama cried, lifting his head up. I can too be useful! Put me down, and I'll show you! Kali laughed, rolling her eyes. All right. She let the cat ooze out of her arms onto the �oor, and the Rohirrim standing nearby stepped back. Neko-sama lowered his head, concentrated, and suddenly grew to �ve times his original size.

See? I can be like Red Thirteen! he proclaimed, tossing his dark-maned head.

Only if you have a hair clip, Kali laughed, leaning over and attaching something to his mane. The surrounding Rohirrim had initially been surprised and frightened at the cat's sudden change, but now they grinned and applauded.

the cat-woman said, stretching her arms high above her head and yawning, who's ready for some combat training?

Théoden watched in admiration and amusement as dozens of his subjects mimicked Kali's martial arts maneuvers. I still do not understand, he said quietly. Why is she doing all this? She is not even from this world. Why lend so much aid to people with whom she has no connection?It's her nature, Neko-sama answered, still in his battle-cat form. Kali has always found great satisfaction in helping people to the extent of her abilities, and with as much psionic and magical power as she has, the extent of her abilities is very large.

The King of Rohan looked down at the leonine creature lounging at his feet. She expects _nothing_ in return?Not from you, no, the cat replied, glancing up. For people like her, the warm fuzzy feeling that comes from having helped someone is payment enough.

Théoden turned back to watch Kali and sighed. If only there were more people in this world like her, he muttered, his throat tightening.

Neko-sama chuckled softly and laid his head on his paws, watching Kali perform a HUcaseal-style unarmed linked attack. The Rohirrim under her tutelage spooked slightly as they saw her demonstration, but each managed to learn the routine quickly enough. The next few attacks she demonstrated, however—mainly consisting of techniques that bore suspicious resemblances to Tifa's limit breaks from _Final Fantasy VII_—took a bit longer to absorb.

All right! Kali called, turning to face her pupils. Next is sword training. Everybody got a sword? Cries of acknowledgement were heard as the various students dashed off to retrieve or borrow blades from the ever-increasing throng of spectators. Okay. First

Neko-sama watched raptly as Kali demonstrated and explained each of her sword-�ghting techniques. Rolling onto his back, he let out a guilty sigh. He knew that he was descended from the famous hero Aktahvi, a warrior who had been as skilled with the harp and �ute as with the sword, but Neko-sama somehow doubted that he had inherited anything beyond musical talent from his illustrious ancestor. _Perhaps, sometime, I could ask Kiliq to train me'_ he thought, _except for the fact that I can't stand dealing damage to anybody with a weapon. I suppose I'll just have to stick with spells and natural weapons.'_

Neko-sama continued to muse as Kali �nished training her group of Rohirrim, moved on through several more, and taught a few special magic abilities to the three non-wizard members of the Fellowship that were present, as well as Théoden and Éowyn. Striding over to Neko-sama, she plopped down on the cold �oorstones and dusted her hands on her pants. Man, I'm worn out, she muttered. I think I need to have a nap before the battle starts. Are you willing to be a furry pillow?A nap _before_ the battle starts! Gimli repeated incredulously, as Neko-sama rearranged himself to be more suitable for use as a pillow.

Don't worry, it'll be a power nap, she assured him, scooting the rest of the way over to her cat and lying down next to him, resting her head on his �ank. Within the space of thirty seconds, she had fallen asleep. Neko-sama activated his Game Sight, and saw her Diablo-esque mana and power point globes �lling up at a rapid rate, while the Fatigue bar emptied at a somewhat slower speed. He glanced up at Legolas, who was practising one of the techniques Kali had taught him, and chuckled. It was Elrond's Swift Terror from the _Two Towers_ PlayStation 21 game.

Neko-sama stretched out his front paws and laid his head on them. Kali was emitting Z-rays, and if she napped much longer, he was going to fall asleep as well. He struggled for a few minutes to keep his eyes open, then his ears pricked up at the sound of a distant horn-blast.

Someone is approaching Helm's Deep, he told Aragorn, who had apparently also heard the sound.

That does not sound like Orcs the Ranger murmured, as he dashed away towards the forti�ed entrance.

Kali sat up and stretched. Oh, the Elves from Lothlórien are here, she announced. That reminds me I wonder when Éomer and his buddies are going to arrive. I made their horses extra-fast, so it ought to be pretty soon A Rohirrim war-horn answered the Elves' long note, and Kali nodded. Standing up, she brushed the dust from her seat and hips. It's sure a good thing that this isn't the animated _Lord of the Rings_, isn't it, Neko-sama? Because if it were, everyone's horns would sound the same, and we'd never be able to tell them apart.

Neko-sama guffawed. Not to mention that Boromir, Denethor, and Sauron would look like rejects from the Knights of Ni!And Legolas would look like Bambi and be exposed �ve F-stops too bright, she added.

And the Balrog would have had bunny slippers and butter�y wings! Neko-sama continued.

Thank God for Peter Jackson! the two cats said in unison, and laughed. Everyone around them blinked in confusion, most with animé-style expressions on their faces.

Kali, resplendent in her various pieces of armour and other battle-gear, strode out onto the Hornburg Courtyard to greet the newcomers. Neko-sama prowled alongside her, trying to look as impressive as possible (not dif�cult for a lion-sized cat with a diamond-studded pin in his mane), and Aragorn and Théoden walked on her other side.

Haldir of Lórien! Aragorn cried, recognising the Elf at the head of the archers.

Greetings, Aragorn called Elessar, Haldir said, throwing back his hood. Long ago, there was an alliance between Men and Elves for the purpose of defeating Mordor's dark hordes. We hope today to renew that bond. Théoden called, rushing to his dismounting nephew. He lowered his head, ashamed. Can you forgive me?It was not you that had me banished, Uncle, Éomer replied. It was that triple-cursed Gríma Wormtongue that sold his soul to Saruman. You have no need of my forgiveness.

I do, however, wish that you could have seen Théodred one last time. He fought bravely, butI did see Théodred, the King of Rohan interrupted. In fact, he has come here with me.

Éomer paused, about to begin another sentence, and stopped, astonished. What do you—? Movement off to one side caught his eye, and he glanced in that direction to see Kali walking towards the Deeping Wall. Lady Kali! he cried, dipping his head in respect.

Kali reached the Wall and looked down, both within and without. That stream, she murmured, peering down into the pond just inside the fortress, could lead to problems. It �ows out through a hole in the wall, and such a hole could be breached with enough time, Orcpower, or the proper tools.Well, what can we do? The water must �ow somewhere, Théoden explained.

Let's see Kali leaned against the heavy stone wall and closed her eyes. Neko-sama padded over and sensed psionic power �owing down into the rock, and looked down over the edge of the battlement at the small body of water. As he watched, a hole opened up near the outer wall, and the water �owed down into it. The stone arch set around the metal grate that had been installed to allow out�ow seemed to melt, oozing downward and covering the bars. Tendrils of earth from below reached up and fused with the stone, strengthening it.

Okay, that should take care of that, Kali declared, turning back towards Théoden. What I've done is sealed the grate so that it's no longer a weak point. The water now �ows underground for a few miles before emptying into another river. The path it takes is narrow, and I have set up choke points and gratings along the way so that nothing larger than a mouse would be able to crawl up it and in�ltrate the fortress. And it would have to be a mouse that could swim against a very strong current, at that.You sealed Théoden asked, looking down. I could explain it, but time is of the essence. Just repeat to yourself: It's magical, I should really just relax Théoden gave her a quizzical look, then shrugged.

Nice job, Kali! Neko-sama complimented. Now the suicide bombers won't be able to blow up the wall.That was the idea, she replied smugly, cracking her knuckles. Yet again, I have fucked up the plans of Smartass the White.

_A few hours later_

Kali hung her head, a large blue sweatdrop sliding down her hair. Well, how was I supposed to think of that? Uruk-Hai aren't supposed to be smart! She held up her left hand, blasting away a lit bomb that had been hurtling towards her. Besides, my brain is Jell-O! Guess whose fault _that_ is!

Neko-sama folded his ears, tail twitching nervously. Whatever you do, Kali, you shouldn't blame yourself.Why not? It's my fault, isn't it!Well, not really You had no idea they would bring catapults and think to launch the bombs over the Deeping Wall once they saw that the hole was closed.DAMN SONS OF BITCHES! Kali screamed, sending blasts of force in several directions. Bombs changed direction, shooting back towards their hapless launchers, and ladders covered with Orc soldiers sailed away from the Deeping Wall. Neko-sama caught a glimpse of something gold twining around her hand and wrist, and he spooked.

Kali, what's that on your hand! he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

It's a ribbon device! she grunted in response, watching an Orc scale a ladder before her and then drop-kicking the creature in the crotch when it reached the battlement. The Orc squealed and staggered back, knocking the ladder away and then plunging down off the wall.

Ribbon—! A Goa'uld Hand-Blasty-Thing! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A GOA'ULD HAND-BLASTY-THING? Gandalf, �ghting at the other end of the battlements, heard the shrieked Goa'uld' and gave a start.

BLASTING STUFF! What's it look like! Kali yelled. _Damn_ these fucking assholes! _FURIIZU OHBU!_ She held both hands out before her, and a globe of super-chilled air and ice coalesced and shot away through the army's ranks, spraying frosty bolts in every direction as it went. Orcs and Uruk-Hai dropped to the ground or froze and shattered.

Oh, you didn't like _that_, did you, bastitches? she growled. Then you'll like this even less! _Daiyamondo-Dasuto!_ Orbs of light swirled around her, and she vanished. Rohirrim, Elves, and Uruk-Hai alike gaped as a pillar of ice shot up from the ground, encasing a pale-skinned woman. The ice shattered, the woman reached up and gathered energy in one hand, then pointed down at the dark creatures before Helm's Deep. A wave of frost shot from her outstretched hand, smothering a wedge-shaped portion of the army, and shattered in midair. Easily two hundred Uruk-Hai fell, others behind them heedlessly trampling the corpses in their rush for the Deeping Wall.

When Kali reappeared, Neko-sama tapped into his own powers. he cried, invoking Ramuh (/ramu'/), the god of lightning. In front of Helm's Deep, a small mountain shot up in layers like a wedding cake made of stone, �inging Orcs and Uruk-Hai into the air. A man with a long white beard materialised at the top of the mountain, then raised his staff, causing bolts of lightning to fall from the heavens like rain. As another percentage of the army dropped, Neko-sama rematerialised and activated his Fanaticism aura.

Oh, you're a Paladin too? Kali gasped, relief �lling her eyes and voice. Spreading her arms, she let out a cougar-like shriek, and Neko-sama felt the effects of the warcries Shout and Battle Command take hold, as well as the spell Thunder Storm. The soldiers surrounding them, not knowing much about magic in general, much less spells from Diablo II, were initially confused by the various auras, but quickly regained composure when they realised that the magical effects were highly bene�cial. Kali began singing La Soldier', �ring arrows with Multiple Shot like a rabid Amazon on Surge.

Isn't it odd, Gandalf, Aragorn began, watching from the other end of the Deeping Wall, that two who are not Wizards cast so many spells, and you who actually are a Wizard do not often use magic?

Gandalf grumbled. Young show-offs! he muttered, lifting his staff and summoning a swarm of meteors from the sky. The archers from Lothlórien took his spell and Kali's attack as cues to �re off their own volley of pointy-tipped death.

Kali disappeared her bow, conjured a long and shiny sword from her amulet, and leapt off the Deeping Wall with a trilling cry. _Carai an Ellisande!_ she bellowed, descending on the dark army below her and slaying several Uruk-Hai before they even realised they had been attacked.

Neko-sama screamed, jumping up onto the battlement. _RAKHATH KOLOI MIS TANURAIK TEL!_ Orcish soldiers roared and surged towards Kali, brandishing their spiked, wicked-looking blades. Neko-sama hardly dared to breathe as he watched the Amazon slaughter the beasts surrounding her, pulling off several intricate moves resembling hybridisations of various Gauntlet: Dark Legacy Valkyrie combos, the Diablo II Barbarian's Whirlwind attack, and a few of Cloud's limit breaks. In addition, he noticed that her sword did, indeed, have a built-in bug-zapper like Beld's Maken, only not evil.

No, I have not lost my mind! Kali replied, speaking Nakhatli as he had.

Aragorn raised his arm to signal the Elven archers, then did a double-take over the top of the wall. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ELBERETH IS KALI DOING DOWN THERE! HOLD YOUR FIRE! Legolas shrieked, leaping up onto the battlement.

What the—! Bloody Hell! Gimli snarled in Dwarvish, vainly trying to see over the four-foot stone wall.

I know Dwarves should not be tossed Kali's voice said in the Dwarven warrior's head, but what about being launched into the air and falling onto the enemy, axe-blades whirling, like a 250-pound ball of spiky metal fury?

Axe-bl? Gimli began, then stopped as a second weapon suddenly appeared in his left hand and vicious-looking metal spikes sprouted from his chainmail. He let out a hearty laugh. Aye, Kali, few Dwarves would object to that! The only regret in Gimli's mind as he suddenly shot up and over the Deeping Wall to descend upon the shocked Uruk-Hai was that he could not see the expression that must have been on Legolas' face.

Neko-sama shook himself, frantic despite his best efforts to calm himself and the triumphant _Lord of the Rings_ theme playing in the background. _I must defend Kali!'_ he thought furiously, _But how? I'm sure I am just as powerful as she is, but I do not have nearly the experience or repertoire of spells and powers she has at her command!'_

The dark-furred cat steeled himself. _Aktahvi, my forefather, �rst of the Sekhtali, guide me!'_ He leapt off the wall and Sled Fanged through several Uruk-Hai in his charge towards Kali.

What the—! Legolas muttered, watching Gimli methodically hew through Orcs and Uruk-Hai. He's _beating_ me! I can only hope that I slay more Orcs than he in my defence of Kali Nocking a �stful of arrows to his bow, he jumped off the Deeping Wall, using one of the techniques Kali had taught him. She had called it Strafe', or something similarly unfamiliar, and like many of the other terms she used, he had learned not to ask for an explanation.

Gandalf paused to watch the various bombardments of Saruman's horde, then shrugged and let out an animé-style puff. Why let them have all the fun? He vaulted over the battlements with a mighty yell, skewering one soldier with his staff and clubbing others into senselessness. Invoking the sacred Flame of Arnor, he raised his staff high above his head, and the holy light emanating from it caused Uruk-Hai all around him to shriek in agony and retreat.

Aragorn threw his hands in the air. How do they expect us to �re arrows when they're down there in the melee! he demanded rhetorically. Archers, take aim and �re, but _be careful_!Have we ever been anything but? Haldir asked, a hint of smugness in his voice as he sighted along his missile and let it �y.

Neko-sama, clawing and spinning his way through endless Orcish warriors, brie�y reached out to Kali's mind. What he sensed was totally unfamiliar to him, with his good alignment and usually-peaceful ways. Kali was in rapture, revelling in the heat of battle, drawing joy from every kill she made. Apparently, she really did worship Kali-Ma, and honoured her deity through slaughter, at least some of the time. It was almost as if she were raging or berserk, the way she—

Neko-sama broke off the contact and shook himself before Kali's battle-pleasure spread to him. _It's true that Uruk-Hai are evil, horrible creatures and deserve to be destroyed, butif I didn't know better, I'd almost think she was a Ce�né!'_ His eyes widened and a sweatdrop slid down the side of his head as another realisation came to him. _I hope she doesn't intend to drink the blood of her enemies once the battle is over!'_

Concerned anew, the large feline creature felled several more soldiers standing between him and Kali and approached her, being careful to stay just out of her sword's reach. she intoned, sending a shimmering blue triangle of force off through the legions still swarming toward Helm's Deep and giving no indication of having heard him.

Kali, you must— Neko-sama began, and cut off with a howl of pain as an Uruk-Hai blade slashed down his side.

Kali screamed and whirled around. Neko-sama knew that since the two of them shared one soul, Kali felt his pain as keenly as he but did not share the actual injury. I can take care of myself! Don't make me have to babysit you! her voice roared in his head, as she cleaved through the Uruk-Hai surrounding him. There must have been some kind of force�eld or something surrounding her body, because every swing taken at her was somehow de�ected in some way Neko-sama could not see. Kali gestured idly with her free hand, as if �icking something in Neko-sama's direction, and turned away to send more Uruk-Hai into oblivion. Neko-sama felt relieved that she used her sword's force�eld and blasts of psychokinetic force more often than she made use of the Ribbon Device on her left hand.

_I am _really_ confused by that,'_ he thought as he lay into the dark creatures surrounding him, _because it means she has either a Goa'uld or Tok'ra symbiote. Or maybe just Naquadah in her blood? Major Carter was able to use the Hand-Blasty-Thing even after Jolinar was killed'_

Trying to ignore the screams of the dying Orcs and Uruk-Hai, the catlike creature continued to muse. _I know from watching the episode of _SG-1_ where Sha'uri returns to Abydos that if a Goa'uld doesn't go into hibernation during its host's pregnancy, the child will be premature and stillborn Apparently, Kali does not _have_ that problem! I'll have to ask her about it after the battle'_ Neko-sama pounced on an Uruk-Hai, maiming it and knocking it to the ground, then tearing its throat out for a merciful death. _That is, if I can still stand myself! How could _anyone_ kill like this on a regular basis, much less a Sekhtali like me?'_

That's why I'm raging! Kali Sent tersely. I couldn't do this otherwise! Neko-sama was stunned as she began singing again, this time Rhythm Emotion'. Did she absorb air through her skin instead of breathing, or what!

Aragorn leaned on the battlements of the Deeping Wall, mouth hanging open, as he watched his sometime companions quickly and easily decreasing the number of Uruk-Hai around them. Gimli was swinging his axes and caught up in the fervor of battle, becoming faster and more powerful with every hit. Legolas whirled and danced through the ranks, stabbing monsters left and right with his glowing, curved daggers. Gandalf handled his staff as expertly as if it were a part of him, Neko-sama slaughtered Orcs with the rage of a female badger defending her young, and Kali combined both sword maneuvers and unarmed combat techniques to kill those within her range, occasionally performing a back�ip that sent crackling orbs of blue lightning into all those surrounding her.

Théoden stepped over towards him, also gaping in astonishment. The minions of Saruman keep coming, but the �ve of them—_�ve!_—appear to have an edge, and show no signs of fatigue! Aragorn shook his head. This is the kind of thing that one cannot take as anything but an in�ated boast to hear a warrior say it, but to actually _see_ it with one's own eyes He gestured to Haldir and the other Elves, still standing ready behind him. As impressive as the spectacle is, Théoden said quickly, a hint of nervousness tinting his voice, they cannot possibly have the energy to �ght the _entire_ army. See how many they have already killed, and still the ranks stretch off beyond sight!We have to get them to come back up to the Deeping Wall, the Ranger muttered. Or else get backup No sooner had the words left his lips than a commotion rose up behind him, and as he spun around to look, a �ash of white shot past him and over the battlements. Great white wings �apped, an eagle's shriek pierced the air, and a strange beast stooped down onto the Uruk-Hai. It was like nothing Aragorn had ever seen before—the head, wings, and forelimbs of a giant eagle, but the tail, body, and hindquarters of an enormous lion, and with the exception of the silver wings and tail-tip, completely covered in sleek feathers and fur such an immaculate shade of white that they seemed to shine. As the bizarre creature began to shred its way through the dark ranks, a burst of �ame in the sky caught Aragorn's eye, and balls of �re and burning stone began to fall from the heavens, exploding brightly among the Uruk-Hai.

HA-HA! AHHH! Kali laughed, and shrieked like a panther. Her amulet �ashed, she extended her left hand with her �ngers spread, and Saruman's soldiers began �ying into pieces as if torn and rent by an invisible force. Heads and bodies simply exploded in a broad line rapidly moving away from Kali, and Aragorn had to turn away to avoid becoming sick in a most undignifying manner. Others upon the Deeping Wall were not so swift, and vomited noisily over the battlements. Kali shouted again, and bolts of lightning fell from the sky as the earth before Helm's Deep burst upwards in fountains, spouting rocks and gouts of �ame. Aragorn strained his ears, and made out the faint sounds of Kali beginning to chant, perhaps an incantation for a spell. Neko-sama clearly recognised it, for his ears snapped backwards and he shot towards the Deeping Wall, leaping upwards and digging his claws into the dark stone. He swiftly climbed up the vertical surface and scrambled over the battlements, leaping behind a clump of archers and cowering.

The angry-looking clouds covering the sky suddenly parted, revealing a brightly-glowing full moon. Kali seemed to attract its light, almost appearing to become taller, and then Aragorn heard her cry A ball of shimmering blue and silver light formed between her raised hands, and she reached forward and directed a stunningly huge blast of magical energy through the survivors of the Orcish horde. A few intelligent (or cowardly) Uruk-Hai had attempted to turn and �ee, but found no escape, as Kali swept the spell's power to both sides as implacably as a tidal wave.

Good use of hosing! an unfamiliar female voice called from the sky, and Kali looked up and waved as the last wisps of magic dissipated.

Thanks, Athuamë! she replied happily. And may I say, your timing is absolutely _impeccable!_

Aragorn looked in the direction Kali had been speaking, and was surprised to see a woman �oating above the carnage, dressed in gold and crimson silks �t for a queen. Clinging desperately to her waist was a man in a leather—a leather coat and chainmail—in fact, dressed just like_Boromir_?

The man attached to the �ying woman whimpered something into her side, and she laughed and began to descend. He let go long enough to �ail wildly, his arms brie�y becoming spastic blobs, and then latched on again more tightly. Kali chuckled as she held her sword in front of her chest and caused it to disappear, while Legolas, Gandalf, and Gimli staggered over to her.

Aragorn called, leaning through a crenellation. —need to go down, right? Neko-sama's voice said behind him, and Aragorn rose smoothly into the air. He had never experienced any sensation like this, and gasped as it felt like his internal organs had been left behind on the Deeping Wall. The ground approached, slowly but steadily, but before he had time to panic, he had landed softly on his feet. He took a moment to regain his composure, then rushed over to the small group.

I got forty-nine, Gimli was saying smugly. How many did _you_ kill, Master Elf? Legolas squeaked. How did you get so many?

Gimli chuckled, the hint of a smirk visible beneath his ruddy moustache. I take it I have won this round by your reaction. Legolas replied, shaking his head with a smile. We tied.

The Dwarf spluttered and started coughing, gripping his axes and shaking them in Legolas' general direction. he gasped when he had regained the ability to speak, —you, an Elven archer, slew as many Orcs with your two _daggers_ as a full-�edged warrior of the _Khazad_ with his mighty twin axes!Forty-nine, eh Gandalf asked, with a soft laugh. I lost count of my victories.I'm not going to say how many _I_ killed, Kali said, tossing her braid behind one shoulder. Mainly because I haven't tallied them up yet.how, exactly, do you intend totally, Kali Neko-sama asked hesitantly.

Oh, easy! she proclaimed, whipping a handkerchief out of one of her invisible pockets. She shook it out and held it up, moving it in a slow arc as if to show it the entire battle�eld. A small, circular array of lines appeared on it and twirled for a moment, and the �gure 021' became visible in large, glowing characters. Neko-sama facefaulted.

Let's see She shook the square of cloth, and the numbers reformed into 26'. That's how many you killed, Neko-sama. Boy, for a descendant of Aktahvi, you sure are a wimp. Again she shook the handkerchief. Gandalf killed seventy-�ve once more, Firefall slew �ve hundred and three another shake, the White Grif�n sent forty-three into oblivion She stopped, lowered the kerchief, and turned around. White Grif�n The strange creature slunk regally over to Kali and dipped its head. Oh! _Sephiroth!_ How the hell—? The animal's beak almost seemed to curve into a pleased smile.

I am _so_ confused, Boromir said.

Aragorn whirled around. LAMPS OF THE VALAR! IT _IS_ YOU! HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THE AINUR—!Actually, I think it would be the name of just _one_ of the Ainur Kali asserted, and the queenly woman laughed. Her voice was rich and musical, almost vaguely reminding Aragorn of something, like a long-forgotten dream.

The Ranger staggered over to the Man, who had let go of the sorceress' waist now that his feet were on �rm ground. Aragorn thought he saw two small �gures running towards the rest of them from some distance away, but blocked it out of his mind for the moment. he whispered. I thoughtOh, come _on_! Kali cried, spreading her arms. Like you've never known anyone to come back from the dead before! Hell, didn't I TELL you someone was supposed to resurrect him!it must have slipped my mind, Aragorn murmured. 

Boromir shrugged. Welcome back! Aragorn cried, embracing the other Man warmly. Boromir spooked, but then somewhat gingerly returned the hug.

Aw, isn't that sweet Kali muttered. Floating up until she was level with the top of the Deeping Wall, she called out, So, King Théoden, now that Rohan is safe, will we be returning to Edoras?yes, I suppose we will, he replied, apparently rather bemused by the whole goings-on.

All right, then! I'll make the gateway


	6. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five My Shaldan  
**

It's really a shame that we didn't get to do any Go-Back-style war preparations before we left, Kali mused as she helped prepare the victory feast that would be served in the Golden Hall of Meduseld.

And what, precisely, would those be? Théoden asked. Or do I perhaps not want to know?

Kali chuckled in that way she had that made those around her nervous for no apparent reason. Oh, I won't have to explain. You'll see for yourself.

When all the dishes and soldiers had been assembled, a toast was drunk to the victors. In Rohaner tradition, it was customary to honour the victorious dead at this ceremony, but as the few Rohirrim and Elves killed at Helm's Deep had been subsequently revived by Kali, there were no victorious dead to honour.

Some time later, when most if not all had sampled the various foods available, Kali levitated onto a table and the large room fell silent. I have my own suggestion for a post-battle victory celebration, she told those assembled, and I think it is something you will all enjoy.

I don't expect that the vast majority of you will have heard of a tribe of Elves known as the Go-Backs, she continued. They are a clan of warriors, and on the night before a great battle, it is traditional for them to Well, let's just say that many children are born several months after such nights of dancing. Comprehension �ickered across some men's—and women's—faces.

Yes, tonight is the night to have fun! Kali announced. She spread her arms, and the sound of drums and music, heart-speeding and intoxicating, �lled the air. Do whatever your heartor any other parttells you! Laughing, she leapt down off the table, straight into Aragorn's arms. He was so shocked at the sudden advance that he did not even resist as she began kissing him and tearing his clothing off. By then, of course, it was too late to try to resist.

Well, what did you think? Kali asked gently, tucking a lock of Frodo's hair behind his ear.

It was The little Hobbit shook his head, smiling slightly. I really don't know what to say.The �rst time is always Kali told him, rolling over onto her stomach. But usually in a good way. She glanced over to one side, and Frodo's eyes followed hers. Oh, hey, Sam, she said brightly. Waiting your turn?

Sam started to say something, then choked on his words and �ushed. Kali giggled. Silly Hobbit.

Kali rose to her feet, not even holding a fur around her (how sleek and graceful her body was!), and strode over to Sam. Kneeling in front of him, she gently took his face in her hands and kissed him. You can ask Frodo about it as soon as _I'm_ �nished with you, she said in a sultry voice after she broke away.

Ask me about what Frodo wondered quietly.

Several minutes later, Firefall watched Kali wandering slowly around the hall, appearing to search for something. Do you need something, Kali? she inquired.

N? Er, wellI don't know if it's really anything you can help me with She turned away. Hey, Gandalf! Do you—You already got me once came the Wizard's reply, and Kali crestfell. She continued her search, and Firefall continued to watch her with one eyebrow raised.

Ah, KaliI mean no offence in asking, butare you trying to lay with as many men present as you possibly can?

Kali whirled around, a too-innocent expression on her face and a large blue sweatdrop on her forehead. Ah! Eheheh! Heh She lowered her head, tapping her index �ngers together nervously. Actually, the truth isI want to be the new Hoe-Queen of Middle-Earth. Firefall repeated. Boromir, his head laid on her chest, stirred at the outburst.

Yeah. Right now, the holder of the title is I'm pretty sure you know her. A Balrog named Milaknek.

Firefall's eyes widened. She—that, that—_bitch_—has some kind of public recognition for something!Yeah. I suppose it's not the greatest honour, but Wh—what are you—!Here! Take Boromir. Make good use of him! I don't mind. _Just beat Milaknek!_ Firefall hissed, hauling her lover to his feet and prodding him in Kali's direction. He was utterly bewildered, but that seemed to be alleviated somewhat when Kali squealed in delight, grabbed him around the middle, and slung him over her shoulder. Hanging above a beautiful ass, whether it has a lionlike tail or not, can do that to some people.

Several hours later, Gandalf was awakened by golden needles of sunlight piercing his eyelids. He moaned and stirred, clutching a fur around himself until his blindly-groping �ngers found his robes. Languidly dressing himself, the Wizard picked his way through the various Rohirrim and others scattered on the �oor to peer out one of the windows, shading his eyes against the rising sun. _It's only dawn? I feel as refreshed as if I slept for days!'_

Aragorn crept quietly over to stand next to Gandalf, tying the laces of his shirt. You mentioned that you left Merry and Pippin in the care of someone named Treebeard, yes?That's correct.I think that we should go and �nd them today. What say you?

Gandalf sighed. Let us do that. I have more worrisome matters on my mind, though.Such as?

The Wizard turned to the Ranger at his side and gave him a look full of concern. Each day, Frodo and Sam must be pressing closer and closer to Mordor, yet I do not even know if they still live.

Aragorn blinked and shook his head. Gandalf, they're here in the Golden Hall.Not so loud! Aragorn hissed, unfortunately too late for some of the nearby sleepers. He winced and gave an apologetic gesture. I was surprised as well. As far as I have been able to �gure, they came with Firefall and Boromir fromwherever they were

A grunt and yawn behind the two men announced the approach of a third individual. Firefall and Boromir were in Rivendell before they came here, Neko-sama's voice explained. Gandalf and Aragorn turned around, and were astonished to see a beautiful young man, olive of complexion and black of hair, instead of the cat they had expected.

The man looked down at himself. Aw, crap. I reverted in my sleep He shook himself, running the �ngers of one hand through his shining waist-length hair, and pulled his loose shirt closer around him. Yeah, umFrodo and Sam found their way to where Firefall lives, and after she resurrected Boromir, the four of them went to Rivendell. Just to talk to Elrond, I guess.Are you Aragorn asked, incredulous.

The young man rubbed his eyes, apparently still groggy. Yeah, sort of, I guess. I don't care right now. He yawned again and scratched the back of his neck. How come you guys are up so early, anyway? How do you do it? Eh, maybe it's some weird human thing or something He turned away and stumbled over to where Kali lay, dropping onto the �oor next to her and proceeding to stare blankly into space. After a few moments, he leaned forward and smoothly shifted into the more-familiar form of Neko-sama.

That was Aragorn murmured. Turning back towards the window, he shook himself brie�y. Yes. Today we will go �nd Merry and Pippin. Do you think we should wake Legolas and Gimli now, or wait for them to rouse on their own?

Gandalf sighed, turning to look at his companion with approximately one-sixteenth of a smile on his face. If we allow Legolas to sleep as long as he will, it will be well past noon when we leave. Did you not see how much time Kali spent with him last night? He is surely quite worn out.But if that is the case, it would not do to wake him now, Aragorn pointed out. He would be falling asleep on horseback, and that is never a good thing to do.I think it would be quite useful if Kali were to come with us Gandalf remarked. It is clear she has very powerful abilities, and may be more able to �nd Merry and Pippin by herself than the rest of us together.

Aragorn sighed and hoisted himself up to sit in the window. She may not, he said with a quiet chuckle. When we—Legolas, Gimli, and I—�rst met her, she told us that it was our destiny to be heroes and her destiny to simply tag along'.

Gandalf raised an eyebrow. She possesses the gift of precognition?Perhaps. It's possible we have not yet seen even a fraction of her full power.

The wizard shook his head in awe, smoothing back his hair. Truly, we are blessed to have her as an ally, for on the side of the Enemy, she would be too terrible a foe to contemplate.

From across the room, Aragorn heard Neko-sama whispering. Kali? Kali, are you awake? she grumbled, and rolled over. What the hell do you want?The fact that you were using a Ribbon Device in the battlesurprised me, he said carefully. How is such a thing possible? Kali shot back a reply in another language, one which neither Gandalf nor Aragorn recognised. The two creatures continued to converse, Kali growing more agitated and Neko-sama becoming more concerned, until Kali tossed her furs aside, grumpily pulled on her clothes, and stomped over to the window.

she mumbled, leaning on the sill and staring blankly into the brightening sky. Aragorn and Gandalf exchanged a look, and Gandalf shook his head slightly, indicating that to ask what just happened would be unwise.

Aragorn cleared his throat. he began, Gandalf and I intend today to go and actually �nd Merry and Pippin, since we were somewhat sidetracked byevents. We would be more than pleased if you chose to accompany us. she responded. As long as you don't freak out about my abilities and where I got them. The way her brows drew down suggested that that had been what Neko-sama had been grilling her about. We can go as soon as we've eaten. Do you want me to wake up Legolas and Gimli?No, that's all right, I'll go do it, Gandalf offered, hitching up his robes to pick his way through the scattered sleepers.

Aragorn glanced out at the red disc rising in the east and sighed. The dawn is always more beautiful when the day before you didn't know if you'd survive to see it, he said quietly.

Kali murmured. Aragorn suddenly found himself �ngering the jewelled pendant Arwen had given him, and guilt �lled his heart.

the cat-woman whispered. It's all right, Aragorn-sama. Don't feel bad about last night. What happened here never has to leave the Golden Hall.You know, then, that my heart already belongs to another

Kali nodded. Strangely enough, so does mine. And it's not Legolas, as pleasant as that would be. She smiled and leaned her chin on one hand. Recognition is a �ckle force, don't you think?Ah, that's right. You were raised among Elves, but even they don't really have it anymore. She straightened and placed her palms together. It's like this. Every mortal—and that includes Elves and the other Fair Folk—is actually born with half a soul, not a whole soul. She moved her hands apart. The half of the soul you get is shared by one other person—one you are destined to meet, one who is your perfect balance and completes you, like you �nd a part of yourself that you didn't know was missing. Your soulmate. She laced her �ngers together, then dropped her hands to her sides. Besides the spiritual ful�llment inherent in Recognition—though some resist the call at �rst, due to pride or other reasons—it's an excellent genetic optimisation system, which basically means that the talents possessed by you and your soulmate will combine in your children to produce exceptionally gifted individuals. He opened his mouth to say something, but she headed him off. Children, you're wondering? Yes. Recognition invariably results in at least one offspring, even between two people who might otherwise seem incompatible. She smiled knowingly at the awestruck Ranger.

Have my love, Arwen, and I— he began.

Not yet, she said slyly, hopping up onto the sill and perching there in a deceptively-cute manner. You'll know when you do. The phenomenon is most often accompanied by—ah, how shall I put this—

He raised an eyebrow. Seeing as how you mentioned Recognition always results in children, I think I can guess what you're trying to say. she said, smiling brilliantly. That's good. You're quick to catch on, Aragorn. Thanks for making me not have to say it.

He was silent for a moment, watching Gandalf move quietly around the Golden Hall to collect their companions in as unobtrusive a manner as possible. May Iask you something, Kali?

Her face became unreadable. Yes. Ask.Do you not think it's dangerous for a woman who is with child to enter battle?

She stared at him, eyes wide. Clearly, she had not been expecting such a question. she began, and cleared her throat. I think that since I've always been able to take care of myself, there's no reason to give up my normal lifestyle just yet. Self-consciously smoothing her tunic, she asked quietly, How long have you—?Only since you explained Recognition just now, he replied. But does it not concern you?

Kali glanced about the hall, idly rubbing at a ring on one of her �ngers. know my limits, she explained. Besides, there are those who watch over me. I have no need to fear for the safety of either myself or my children.

Gandalf walked quietly back to the window, trailed by Frodo and Sam, Gimli, and Boromir and Firefall. I tried to get Legolas up, he explained, but he seems intent on his conversation with Lady Éowyn.I'll Send to him, then Kali said, and half a moment later, she gasped. Oh—! Oh, my. We shouldn't— Shaking her head, she swung her legs over the windowsill and hopped down onto the dewy ground. Let's just go.I think we'll use the— Boromir began, but Firefall shushed him.

Opening the doors might wake people up, she whispered, gracefully climbing through the window and dropping to the ground below. Kali glanced at Aragorn and made a smug noise as the remaining members of the group exited through the unorthodox portal.

Look, Athuamë's further along than I am, and it doesn't even slow her down, she said. I'll just teleport to the stables and get some steeds ready— Kali disappeared silently, and a distant scream suddenly pierced the air. She reappeared before anyone could form a question, her face pale and one eye twitching.

no horses, she whispered, the twitching intensifying for an instant. today. Let's go. Aragorn protested, striding to the front of the group, we don't even know where Merry and Pippin are! It will be dif�cult enough to track them on horseback. Surely you don't expect us to—

She spun around, putting her back to him, and he noticed that every hair on her tail was standing on end. If you want your horse, you can go get it yourself, she mumbled, and stalked away. Besides which, Merry and Pippin are at Orthanc. She rose into the air and glanced over her shoulder. Well? We haven't got all day!The rest of us can't �y, Lady Kali, Gimli reminded her.

Speak for yourself! Firefall said with a smile, linked her arm in her lover's, and �oated up to join Kali. Boromir, still unused to �ying, whimpered quietly and clutched at Firefall's sleeve.

I can �y if I so choose, but I prefer to ride Shadowfax, Gandalf announced, setting off in the direction of the stables. Kali twitched and upended herself in the air, crossing her arms stubbornly.

Well, �ne! Just don't come complaining to _me_! she huffed. Then she blinked, as if just noticing something. Blood to head? That could be badI'd better �x Yes, that ought to She closed her eyes and moved her lips occasionally, as if silently chanting a spell. Her eyes suddenly opened again, but the voice that emerged from her mouth was not quite her own—deeper and distorted.

**No****—! What have you done?** Kali righted herself and landed on the ground. 

Firefall gave the Amazonian cat-woman a considering look. Kali, are you feeling well?

She blinked, then nodded. Yes, yes. I'm �ne. Sorry about thatGuta was a bit freaked out that I woke her up, but I explained to her that it's okay.Guta? Do you have another person inside you? Gimli asked, bemused and mildly concerned.

Actually, yes. Three, to be exact. Two of them are my children, and the other is my symbiote, Guta-kani-peltak. She's a former System Lord and now likes to call herself a Twins? How lucky for you! Firefall said brightly. Kali grinned.

Aragorn protested.

Guta is of the Goa'uld race, Kali explained simply. Firefall's jaw dropped, but the others in the group merely stared blankly at their companion.

Girasol? Do you understand any of—? Boromir murmured.

The Goa'uld are a race not native to this world, she said quietly. They are strange, alien creatures, somewhat resembling snakes or worms. They can do very little on their own, so they often take humanoid bodies as hosts. She shook her head, puzzled. But I'd never heard of one who didn't keep the host identity completely suppressed.Ah, then you've probably only ever encountered System Lords or their minions, Kali put forth. Not all members of the species are so evil and neurotic. The Tok'ra, for example— She cut off, peering past the group, and sighed. Oh, look. Here comes Gandalf at top speed. Holy _crap_, that guy can run. The others spun around, and saw that Gandalf could, indeed, move at a surprisingly high velocity. It was dif�cult to make out his facial expression at distance, but it was clear that he was red in the face, as if embarrassed or highly angry.

I _tried_ to warn you, Kali said with a shrug as the bedraggled Wizard staggered to a stop near them.

Wh— Eh— Shad— he panted.

Kali threw her arms in the air. I _told_ you not to complain to me! You chose not to listen!What did you see, Gandalf? What's the problem? Aragorn cried, reaching for his sword.

**He saw the same thing Kali did,** Kali said in that odd voice (was it Guta speaking through her? yes, that was probably it). **She entered the stables to ****�nd two of the horses in the act of mating.**

Kali abruptly shook herself and yelled in her normal voice, Guta! Shut up! They didn't need to hear—**Why so repulsed, my friend? It is a perfectly normal part of life. Just because you did not expect to see it does not mean****—**But _Sephiroth_ and _Shadowfax_! Kali screeched. I don't think Sephiroth is even really a horse!**Then perhaps she will give birth to some form of centaur,** Guta observed. Kali smacked herself in the cheek. **Ow! Was that really necessary?**

Kali grumbled something probably impolite and jerked her head in the direction of Isengard. Let's go.Come, let's gather in a circle, Gandalf suggested, herding people together, and I can transport us there with magic.Yes! Teleportation is good! Kali agreed, assisting in the ushering. Boromir groaned.

No, please, not again. I still haven't got over the last— And suddenly they were there, with hardly a perceptible shift. Psionic _Greater Teleport_ is your friend, Kali said, patting him on the shoulder.

Gandalf turned around slowly, surveying what he saw in silence. Orthanc was not as he had expected to �nd it. The landscape denuded, certainly, as that had been in progress at the time of his last visit. But water �lled the great paved square around the base of the tower, cracks ran all through the dark stone, the smithing pits were �lled with debris from the former siege machines, and there was not a living Orc in sight.

What has happened here? Aragorn wondered.

The Ents, Kali explained. Treebeard, their leader, happened by Isengard and was angered by the fact that Saruman was harvesting all the trees. So he led his people in a march on the tower and destroyed Saruman's works.Do you happen to know if he's still here? Gandalf asked, craning his neck and peering up at the top of the great spike.

Saruman? Yes, he should be, she said. Hold on, I'll go get him. She shot into the air and soared around Orthanc once, then entered through a window. A yell was heard from high above, and Kali soon reappeared, clutching the black steel staff to which a very haggard-looking Saruman was still clinging.

Let go my staff, woman! he roared, kicking his legs vainly. I shall have your head for this impudence!Put a sock in it, Smartass, she snapped. Don't make me get my Jaffa.She has _Jaffa_? Firefall whispered.

Saruman continued to grunt, yell, and kick, until Kali released her grip and caused him to fall to the wet ground in an unceremonious heap. Struggling to his feet, he gripped his staff and muttered a chant as the orb atop it began to glow faintly. Kali dropped to the ground and circle-kicked him in the face, interrupting the spell.

Saruman! You disgrace the name of the Istari! Gandalf bellowed, snatching the staff from the prone and bleeding Wizard's grasp. he intoned, and snapped the stick in two over one knee. Saruman let out an angry cry.

Gandalf, you _nadras kored_—! he hissed. Do you think Sauron will not strike out at the attackers of his ally? You have just doomed yourself and all your useless Human friends!Sauron has no allies, Gandalf said coolly, dropping the halves of the staff. He has only enemies and rivals. You, Saruman, were in greater danger of destruction than the entire race of Men for your folly. Saruman made as if to get up, but Kali planted a foot on his shoulder and pressed him back to the ground. His robes were soaked and �lthy, no longer as psychedelically colourful as they had been when he had �rst betrayed Gandalf, and the spell that kept his hair and beard impeccably groomed was beginning to wear off.

Cursed wench! he snarled, glaring up at Kali. You've interfered with me for the last time! She leaned forward, putting more weight onto his shoulder, and Aragorn thought he heard a dull snap. Saruman emitted a wretched moan.

I suppose you'd like to try and stop me, hmm? she asked softly, in the same deceptively-calm voice Sam had heard her use when she saved him and Frodo from the Orcs in Mordor. If I'm not mistaken, you need your staff to be able to cast anything above a light spell without insane expenditure of effort, and you'd have dif�culty doing even that with me standing here to smack you if you start chanting. Saruman opened his mouth to protest, but she continued, Wormy Willy won't come to help you. I know you sent him off after he tried to use your Palantír as a sling bullet, and he's probably dead on the side of a road somewhere by now. And your Orcs? Looks like the Ents did a great job turning them into pancakes. Your Uruk-Hai failed, as well. Your mighty army of 10002—yes, I counted them—were dashed upon the Deeping Wall like a gull dropping a stone on a turtle. Rohan lingers! I myself slew over nine thousand of those ugly, stinking Orcish bastards. There is no one who will come to your aid! Saruman hissed. That—that's not possible! Even for the greatest of warriors, and you're just a—a—

Kali dropped to one knee and grabbed him by the throat, a dangerous smile quirking at her lips. You weren't about to say just a woman', were you? He grunted, shaking his head and trying desperately to breathe. You know I could kill you with one hand, don't you? Saruman nodded, beginning to turn blue. she huffed, tossing him to the ground.

Well, since you seem to have him under control, Aragorn commented, hitching up his tunic so that the hem would not get soaked, I'll just have a look around for our little Hobbit friends. —You're sure it's safe?Trust me, Aragorn-sama, if there's a live Orc left around here, it'd probably �ee if you said Boo!' to it. He shrugged and set off, followed by Gimli. Kali tossed her hair behind her shoulder and glanced at Frodo. Oh, no. No way. Sorry, Smartass, but your thought bubble is far too easy to read. the Wizard demanded, crawling back. I—I don't know what you're—You know that Frodo carries the Ring, don't you? she asked, with a sly grin. Frodo gasped, and Sam jumped in front of him.

Why'd you tell him that! the older Hobbit demanded. Kali let out a scof�ng laugh.

Oh, come on, Sam! What the hell do you think he can possibly do to you? Watch. She stepped back, away from Saruman, and held out her hand. Of a sudden, Frodo felt the chain around his neck lighten, and Kali was holding the Ring of Power. She calmly slipped it onto her �nger, and to the surprise of those present, did not disappear.

Oh, look. It matches my other one, she said cheerily, holding out her hands before her. An identical ring adorned her left hand, much to Gandalf's shock and dismay.

Kali! What are you doing? he cried out, striding toward her.

Taunting Smartass. What's it look like? She glanced at her hands. Oh, right. Don't worry—what do you think Sauron could do to me? She reached toward Saruman, who appeared to have been beginning to consider leaping at her, and he rose into the air, caught in a web of nothing. You do realise, don't you, that if you're powerful enough, the Ring of Power doesn't automatically make you invisible? The fact that you can still see me should say something to that effect. She looked down at the golden band adorning her �nger, peering closely as if trying to make something out. Oh, is that all it does? she murmured. How very unimpressive. It seems that the One Ring makes you stronger and faster, enhances your force of personality, and makes your spells or whatever more powerful and harder to resist. Second-level spell effects! Laaaame. Kali pulled the Ring off and handed it behind her, without even a glance, to Boromir. Here you go. I heard you were looking for an engagement ring. Boromir choked, Frodo cried out, and Gandalf started back as if struck. Kali sighed. Oh, �ne! We'll have it reforged �rst!

Aragorn and Gimli came wading back through the water, trailed by two munching Hobbits. Frodo and Sam managed to smile and rushed over to greet them, asking where they had found food. Gandalf shook his head.

Kali, I respect your power, he said in a slightly disapproving tone, but sometimes it seems to me that you are completely mad.Not completely, she corrected. Only a little. I'm very silly, though, and that's a quality rarely found in Middle-Earth.True enough, Firefall remarked softly.

Kali turned and waved to the rest of the group as Saruman fell into the water with a cry and a mighty splash. Hey, guys! Come on! We're going to Mount Doom!


	7. Chapter Six :incomplete:

**Chapter Six The Plot Thickens, Because I Added Too Much Flour. Oops.  
**

Gorthaur was bored. Very, very bored. For the past few millennia—maybe it hadn't been that long, but it seemed like Ages—he had existed only incorporeally, unable to affect anything signi�cant in the material world. Only a few months ago had he worked up the strength to focus his awareness into the Great Eye, surveying Middle-Earth for the Ring he had forged so long ago. The Ring that would allow him to once again take physical form and claim his rightful rulership of the sniveling cowards that populated the world.

Lately, it had been hidden from his sight, and Witchking had brought no news of sensing its presence. How could that be, he wondered. To his knowledge, it was still in the possession of one of the Holbytlan, a weak and diminutive race not known for their cleverness or trickery.

As he had done so often since regaining the power to form the Eye, Gorthaur attempted to reach out with his mind, hoping to touch his master, Melkor, who had been imprisoned somewhere in another plane. _Melkor, Counter-Singer, heed the call of your servant!'_ he thought desperately, hoping for succor. With no Ring and no higher power to aid him, what could he do?

Suddenly, shockingly, something answered him. A voice that seemed to echo through his mind from nowhere, though he had no physical mind, �lled his consciousness. _ You are the one they call Sauron, the Dark Lord? _

_Y—yes! Though that is not my true name. Are you a servant of Melkor?'_

Perhaps I am. It doesn't matter at the moment. I am known asthe Serpent Kingand I have come here seeking an alliance with you.

Here? My apologies, but where is here? My perception is yet limited.'

Came to Middle-Earth fromelsewhere. I am not physically near you, Dark Lord, but am projecting myself so as to communicate.

Very well, then. What is it you wish of me?'

I wish your alliance. In return, I can lend you power— Gorthaur suddenly felt a surge of energy, sensed the barrier between his plane of astral nothingness and the physical realm weakening, and tore through a hole, his body forming anew from the searing �ames that had comprised the Great Eye. Standing naked but triumphant atop the highest peak of Barad-dûr, he threw his head back and laughed.

MIDDLE-EARTH SHALL TREMBLE BEFORE ME! he roared, punctuated by a burst of incandescent lava from the jagged crown of Mount Doom.

_ —and in return, _ the Serpent King's disembodied voice continued, _ I request your help in subjugating the inhabitants of this world.  
_  
Gorthaur's face hardened. What? You want _my_ help to enslave the people it is _my_ right to conquer?

_ I invested a signi�cant amount of effort in contacting you and enabling you to move about Middle-Earth in corporeal form. Becoming my lieutenant is hardly an unfair exchange. In truth, on your end, it is more than fair!  
_  
The Dark Lord shook his head and glowered, though he doubted the Serpent King was actually able to see him. The only master I answer to is Melkor, he stated, and Middle-Earth will be conquered and offered to him alone.

_ So be it! _ the Serpent King snarled. _ We will undoubtedly meet on our separate campaigns. Do not expect mercy from methere are far worse things that can be done to a physical body than to an incorporeal spirit! I will make you suffer for squandering the gift I gave you. _ And the presence was gone.

Good riddance, Gorthaur mumbled, brushing a strand of blood-red hair from his face. Ah, but what to do now? I spent so long wishing I had physical form again that I didn't bother to think what I would do once I had it. He looked around for a trapdoor, anything that might permit him entrance into the fortress, so that he could get at his old possessions. The armour he once wore was probably long since destroyed, but something of his wardrobe should have remained somewhere, his collection of raiments �t for a king. The king of Middle-Earth that he was destined to become.

Boromir braced himself for the vertigo, but it didn't come. The air around him was suddenly hot and laced with the stink of brimstone. He opened his eyes, and saw that he and his companions were standing on the slope of a mountain. No, not a mountain. An erupting volcano. Mount Doom! And there was Barad-dûr, though it looked somehowodd, like it was missing something.

What the hell? Kali swore quietly, looking around. The Eye is gone! Yes, that was it. The Great Eye, like something that had collected all the world's cat eyes, turned them evil, and wreathed them in �ame, no longer peered around from atop the peak of the Dark Lord's fortress.

All the better, I say, Frodo muttered. I _hate_ being watched by that thing.All right, let's get moving, then, Kali said �rmly. I'll take point. Gandalf, Athuamë, make sure everyone is spelled up to resist �re. Aragorn, Gimli, bring up the rear.Where _is_ the Eye? Boromir wondered as they set off up the �ank. Not that I want You-Know-Who to see us destroying his last link to existence, but it all seems a bit suspicious to mePerhaps he does not always have the spell in effect, Firefall murmured. Something of that size, with that range, must take an enormous amount of energy to sustain. It is entirely possible that he periodically takes a rest from scanning Middle-Earth. I am far more powerful than he, and even I would need a break in such a routine.

Gandalf watched the two lovers out of the corner of his eye, thoughts gnawing at the back of his mind. Frodo and Sam called her Firefall, Boromir called her Girasol, and Kali used the name Athuamë—a name he knew he had heard somewhere, in some previous Age, but could not remember. The word meant supernova' in Minfo, the most ancient of tongues, the language of gods and creation. He thought it sounded like a name that would be given to one of the Ainur

Yes! Because it _had_ been! Anarach-keli-Athuamë had been one of the Maiar chosen by the Eternal Divine to sing in the world of Arda. She had been beautiful, powerful, a peerless alto, until— His heart skipped a beat. he hissed, clutching his staff. Firefall stopped dead in her tracks and stared at him.

Boromir began, then noticed that Gandalf had also come to a halt. Kali spun around.

What are you doing? she demanded.

Gandalf growled. You strayed from the true path to follow the Flame of Udûn!

Firefall started back, then composed herself, sending him an icy glare. Once, yes, she said quietly. But I have renounced that path. I am no longer Tanariel.Can one really un-choose such a thing? he cried. Do you think Melkor, the Dark Enemy, will let one who served him so faithfully turn away!

Beads of sweat began popping out from Boromir's temples, though it could not have been from the heat, since he was enchanted to resist �re short of being immersed in red-hot lava. What is he talking about!Melkor can go fuck himself, Firefall maintained, folding her arms. I don't care what he thinks of me, trapped in the space between worlds, because it has no bearing on my life.You were Tanariel, Queen of the Valaraukar! Gandalf bellowed, shaking his staff. You took over commanding the Balrog army after Morgoth was destroyed! I do not believe that— Kali yelled, and the mountain seemed to shake. He fell silent. Shut up. You're scaring the straights. Indeed, the Hobbits were backing away slowly, and Boromir looked as if he had received a literal dagger in the back from the woman he loved.

Stop it, Kali commanded. All of you, calm the fuck down. Gandalf, Athuamë is not a fucking Balrog anymore. Just chill, will you? And Boromir, get that forlorn look off your face! You haven't been betrayed.

Athuamë did something stupid when she was young, and now she regrets it. She's a Maia, not a Valaraukar. The only one who has been betrayed is Melkor, the Dark Squirrel. So can we please just _get on with it!_ The Man paled, the Hobbits trembled, and even Gandalf found himself cowed, for Kali exuded a very de�nite aura of intimidation. She certainly would be a terrible foe, and he wished to avoid that. He did not want to test himself against her power.

Since it has come to your attention, Olorin, Firefall said, I might as well explain to you just who I am. It's true I once turned away from the celestial song of the Ainur, and now they will not have me back in the choir. That is �ne, though, as I have found enlightenment in other ways. When Melkor was banished, the Valaraukar and all his other servants scattered like dead leaves in a wind, �nding other paths to follow. I found that a great deal more ful�llment lay in knowledge, the study of the arcane, and travelling the world than in domination of the Free Races. She wrapped one arm around Boromir and pulled him close. And I have a family now. I would do anything to make my love happy, or for our daughter.Pregnancy, if nothing else, changes a person, Kali explained in a calm voice. I don't relish the thought, but in a few more months, I will have no choice but to settle down and raise my children, putting off my crusade for what will probably be many years. I wouldn't expect you to fully understand, Gandalf, seeing as you're male, but when one realises that one carries part of the next generation in her very body, it makes one stop and think about what the future holds. I know Athuamë is not evil. I know she can be trusted. Chalk it up to women's intuition if you will, but I will _not_ have you at her throat while I am here.Kali is with child! Gimli muttered. Curse that Elf!No, Gimli, she said. I wouldn't take on passengers without a full cargo hold. She turned away and continued climbing the mountain. Are the rest of you coming, or not?

The crater of Mount Doom was �lled with searing heat, acidic smoke, and the occasional bursting bubble of molten rock. To the new Fellowship of the Ring that entered, however, it was merely warm and tinged with an unpleasant odour. Kali made her way up to the tip of an outcrop overlooking the great pool of lava below, glanced down, and beckoned to Firefall and Boromir. Come, Athuamë, she called. Toss the Ring into the lava, and I'll pull it out once it's melted.how, exactly, do you intend to do that, Lady, er Pippin queried.

Kali! Her name is Kali, Sam snapped, glaring at his companion.

Silly Hobbit, she called, even after the Ring has melted, the atoms of gold will still be easily separable from the atoms of liquid rock around them. I just have to latch onto them psychokinetically and remove the little chunk, forming it back into a ring shape once it's cooled a little.

Gimli stepped close to Pippin and nodded in Kali's direction. Take my word for it, laddie, he said quietly, it's usually best to just trust her and not try to understand how her powers work.

Firefall held out her hand, staring at the Ring resting in her palm. Snatches of the Black Speech whispered in her ears, but she ignored them. Funny, isn't it? she asked rhetorically. That this little thing could have caused so much trouble.Ah, but remember, Athuamë, Kali pointed out, that people like us have a knack for resisting mental slavery. Not everyone, especially not your average run-of-the-mill human or Hobbit or whatever, has such a good Will save bonus.

Firefall chuckled. True enough. Striding gracefully to the edge of the rock, and standing �rmly at Kali's side, she �ipped the Ring of Power into the air as if tossing a coin. Good-bye, Sauron. Enjoy your eternity in Hell with your tone-deaf master Melkor. The two women leaned forward slightly, watching the sparkling Ring fall until it became indistinguishable from the glowing bursts of lava around it.

After a moment, Kali squinted down into the lava and nodded. Right, then. Here it comes. She �icked a �nger, and a dart of blazing gold, like a tiny shooting star, �ew up from the burbling pool and came to a stop before Firefall, rotating slowly into a round shape. Would you like anything engraved on it? Firefall smiled and shook her head. Oh, but wait—it's an engagement ring. It needs a rock of some sort. What do you think? Diamond, or something red?Red. De�nitely red, Firefall requested.

Excellent well. How Reddish motes of light coalesced around the Ring, forming into shining, faceted globules on the outside. star rubies? They're red, and stars kinda match your theme.Oh, it's lovely, Firefall breathed, reaching out a hand. The new Ring dropped into her palm, and she turned serenely and offered it to Boromir. Here, beloved, would you like to present it to me?Of course, he said, grinning broadly. Taking the proferred piece of jewelry, he clasped Firefall's hand in his and lowered himself to one knee. Girasol, Lady of Fire, I humbly ask for your hand in marriage.I humbly accept, Boromir son of Denethor, she said with a brilliant smile.

Then take this ring as a token of our betrothal, he whispered, slipping it onto one of her �ngers. Surprisingly, almost every one of her digits already had a ring, all of them heavy and silver.

Oh, it's so sweet! Kali gushed, clasping her hands over her heart. And it reminds me, I probably ought to get married at some point She glanced at the golden ring, shockingly similar to Sauron's Ring of Power, on her left hand and sighed. Not yet, though.

As they exited the mountain, Kali sniffed the air and looked around. You know, something's kind of odd, she remarked. I kind of expected to feel backlash from the death of someone as powerful as Sauron, but I didn't feel a thing. I'm not sure what's going on, but something's not—

Far below them, cries were heard from the great gate at the base of Barad-dûr. The �res on the torches �ared, black blood sprayed, and a tall, angry man began charging up the mountainside. He had black skin, crimson hair, and was garbed in �ame-coloured silk, black leather, and chainmail. Kali stopped short upon seeing him. Wha— It can't! That—

He yelled something up at them, shaking his �st in fury, but the rumbling of the volcano drowned him out even as he picked his way up the �ank, seemingly unimpaired by the jagged scree littering the landscape. Kali bared her teeth, the very picture of an angry lioness. That son of a bitch—! she snarled, taking off down the slope to meet him. Gandalf heard her cry as she ran, and she bull-rushed into the stranger with both hands outstretched. Rather than �ying off the mountainside, he fell to the ground with a wail of shock and anger, and Kali began toroll him along, likelike some kind of rolling thing. Gandalf found himself utterly puzzled. She was gaining speed, and rocks and other various bits were sticking to the angry man as if attracted by magic. He screamed and cursed and �ailed, but Kali kept going, charging straight into a group of Orcs—all of whom stuck onto the clump, which by now was beginning to appear more spherical.

Firefall mused. A clump? A ball? How very oddUm, let'sget down off the mountain, shall we? Boromir suggested, starting to pick his way down. He offered his arm.

By the time they reached the bottom, Kali's odd clump had swelled to the size of a small house, and everything from torches to �ags to swords to Nazgûl dragon-steeds was sticking out at odd angles. Kali rolled to a stop, breathing heavily but with a smile on her face, and sat down on a protrusion of rock.

Eight metres! she announced proudly, giving the lump a pat. Not terribly impressive, I know, but there wasn't much stuff to roll around here.

Aragorn took a breath. I know I'll regret asking this, but——what in the name of the White Tree did you do? Boromir interrupted.

Oh, you can't tell? I rolled a _katamari_.Ahh, yes, a _katamari_! Gandalf exclaimed. A what?

She made an aggravated noise. You know, _Katamari Damashii_? Lump Soul? _Yilkarara Kalentair_? They shook their heads, staring blankly. Umf! Clearly, I have more teaching to do. I'll start by explaining the properties of a _katamari_, beginning with the base— Bits �ew off the giant ball, those with legs scrambling to their feet and rushing away, and Kali gestured at the empty air. I used— WHAT THE FUCK! WHERE DID HE GO?

Gorthaur hit the ground with a splash. The hell he muttered. Hasty teleportation spells _can_ lead to oddities, but Orthanc was not surrounded by water last I knew He pulled himself to his feet and shook water from his hands. Clearing his throat, he looked around and called, Saruman the White! Your master has come in the �esh! There was no answer. Irritated, the Dark Lord of Middle-Earth waded through the cold water, cursing the fact that his chainmail boots would probably rust and the leather trim on his tunic would de�nitely be stiff later. he bellowed. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?Oh, good, someone came, said an unctuous, wormy voice from behind him. Gorthaur whirled around to see a hunched, pale man clad in black fur. Did you bring a Palantír? I'm afraid Lord Saruman is rather upset over the loss of the one he had.Who the fuck are you? Gorthaur snarled, taking a step toward him. How dare you address me in such a nonchalant manner!

The Man's eyes widened, and he shuf�ed back. Oh, terribly sorry, sir, he wormed. I don't believe we have been introduced. I am Gríma of Rohan.Oh, Wormtongue, Gorthaur huffed. I believe Saruman spoke of you. I am Gorthaur the Sorcerer, Lord of Middle-Earth.

Gríma became even paler, a nauseating sight, and nearly fell over. Taking another step back, and glancing up at the forbidding peak of Orthanc as if wondering what Saruman would permit, he squeezed out, 

Gorthaur took a single stride forward and grabbed the pitiful human by the throat, easily hoisting him into the air. _Never_ call me that, he hissed. My name is Gorthaur! Gríma squirmed vainly, gasped for air, and shook his head in agreement. Gorthaur dropped him in the water. Now, Wormtongue, he said, tell me what happened here. Where is Saruman?

Gríma, still unable to speak, clutched at his throat and pointed at the spire. Gorthaur glanced over his shoulder. In the tower? That's to be expected. What I wish to know is what has happened to my armies. Saruman promised me a horde of Orcspawn, and I see no such force. Thisthis water-parkcannot possibly be what he intends to offer me. Wormtongue gasped, coughing. Ents came.Ents? You can't mean those splinter-headed old walking trees! They must have been extinct for a least an Age!The very same, Gríma stated. Apparently they are not.Wh—! This—this is— This is all preposterous! I demand you take me to see Saruman immediately!Ah, well, thethe problem with that is— the Man said quickly, hemming and hawing, that Saruman sent me away to �nd him a new Palantír, and if I don't return with one, I fear he won't be best pleased

Gorthaur stepped closer and glared down into Wormtongue's eyes. Take me to him _now_ or _I_ won't be best pleased. You know how easily I could kill you, yes? Gríma whimpered and nodded.

Well, isn't _that_ a neutral evil thing to say! commented an unfamiliar male voice from somewhere. Gorthaur whirled around, but saw no-one, not even a ripple of someone hiding beneath the surface of the water.

he spat, shoving Wormtongue toward the tower. Lead on.

Saruman did not glance up from his spellbooks as he heard the great steel doors at the base of Orthanc open and close, instead continuing to peruse his indices for an invocation that would cure withdrawal. The cursed Ents had destroyed his storehouse, and then the double-cursed Hobbits had smoked up all of his Shire-grown pipeweed, though he would never admit to anyone that he had become so hooked on the fragrant stuff triple-cursed Gandalf used to bring. _If that's Gríma come back without a Palantír,'_ he thought grumpily, _a bolt of lightning should do wonders for that unnatural complexion of his'_

It was not Wormtongue's unctuous voice that echoed through the tower, however. bellowed an unfamiliar, but deep and powerful, male voice—from a speaker easily over six feet tall, probably around two hundred eighty pounds. WE MUST HAVE WORDS! A husky voice, possibly from smoking pipeweed or, hell, maybe he lived in a volcano, for all Saruman knew. Rising from his chair made his head throb, and he winced and grabbed for his staff—the staff that wasn't there. Cursing the names of Gandalf, Kali, and everything that lay between the High Heavens and the Burning Hells, he slammed his spellbook shut and swept out the door and down the stairs to the large round room located halfway up the tower.

Gríma was there, obviously having had no luck in his search, judging by the way he hunched away from Saruman in fear of his wrath. It was the other man with him, though, that caught the Wizard's attention. Very tall, closer to seven feet than six, and with long hair the colour of blood and skin the shade of basalt, he stood waiting with arms crossed like a despotic king kept waiting for an audience. Saruman found himself marvelling—inwardly, of course—at the stranger's unusual yet luxurious garb, of iridescent �ame-tinted silk and slick black leather and the chainmail boots with turned-down leather tops. This was clearly no Man, no Elf, and certainly no Uruk-Hai. From where did he come?

I am Saruman, he said simply, inclining his head in the slightest of nods, for it was always best to act polite to strangers until they became comfortable enough that you could demonstrate your full power over them.

I am Gorthaur, the tall man said, with no perceptible show of respect. Saruman felt his heart skip.

he whispered. You—you are— he stepped closer— here? In the �esh? That must mean—your Ring— _If this truly is Sauron,'_ he thought, _I must not let him know that I intended to keep the Ring for myself and take Middle-Earth for my own'_ You slew the foolish Hal�ings, I presume?The Holbytlan that stole it? No, the Dark Lord replied, I realised that I had gained enough power just on my own that I was able to break through the barrier between this world and the Spectral World.He's lying, said the same unfamiliar voice Gorthaur and Wormtongue had heard outside. Saruman spun around, searching for the intruder. He saw nothing. Someone wanted his help, so they gave him enough power to re-manifest himself. Then they asked him to help them conquer Middle-Earth, and he refused.An invisible speaker Gríma wondered. Could it bethey are wearing the Ring?No, simpleton, Gorthaur snarled, because I would be able to sense it if they did!Be that as it may, Lord Sauron, Saruman said, and Gorthaur stiffened, as you can see, I, your loyal servant, have been greatly weakened by the attacks of the upstart races. I humbly ask your assistance in avenging myself.If you are so weak that Men and Ents can do such damage, Gorthaur said, what use are you to me?No, please, my Lord, you do not understand! Saruman pleaded, daring to take a step closer. I can be a most powerful ally! You saw the vast legions of Uruk-Hai I assembled for you, the chaos I wreaked in Rohan. I was caught off-guard, by foes who do not follow the honourable rules of engagement!Honourable rules of engagement? Gorthaur repeated, sneering. There are no such thing. As for your Uruk-Hai armies and the weakening of Rohan, both have been nulli�ed. By a tiny band of mortals, no less. Do you really think you can help me in any meaningful way?Mend—mend my staff, Lord Sauron, Saruman requested, and I will show you what assistance I can render.

Gorthaur walked close to him and glared down into the Wizard's eyes. Up close, it became apparent that he was not very much taller, but de�nitely had a great deal more muscle than Saruman, who was defenseless in any �ght in which he did not have his staff. I will say this to you once, the Dark Lord said in a quiet and dangerous voice. My name is Gorthaur, not Sauron. Call me the hated one' again and I will tear your throat out one-handed. Do I make myself perfectly fucking clear?Indeed, my Lord, Saruman said, only mildly intimidated. My Lord Gorthaur, ruler of Middle-Earth.Yes, that's what I like to hear, Gorthaur murmured, turning away. Where is your staff?Outside, my lord, the Wizard explained, then looked past the Dark Lord to glare at Gríma. Wormtongue of Rohan! I charged you with �nding my Palantír! Where is it! The human stumbled back, fawning sickeningly. I—don't know, my lord. It—it's not where it fellThen LOOK HARDER! Saruman roared, shaking his �st. Gríma shrieked and �ed down the stairs, clearly unaware that his magic-using master had dif�culty actually using magic without his staff to use as a focus. If you'll follow me, Lord Gorthaur, Saruman said, I'll show you where the pieces of my staff lie— Neko-sama called, appearing a few paces behind her. I—um, I'm sorry about—earlierMm-hmm. Me too. What did you come here to tell me? Since their souls were linked through Recognition, she didn't even have to brush his mind telepathically to sense his thoughts.

He scampered up to where she was, striding alongside the other members of the Fellowship, and spoke in Japanese so as not to panic them. You were wondering where Sauron went? He's at Orthanc.Orthanc—! Shit! she hissed. Well, it's not as if it'll do him much good—I think we kicked Smartass' ass pretty thoroughly.Yes, except, he pointed out, Sauron is about to go cast _Make Whole_ or something on Saruman's staff so that he can use magic again.What? No, that's not possible. _Make Whole_ is a cleric spell, not arcane!Maybe he's a cleric of Melkor.The Dark Squirrel? I doubt it. Melkor is an Ainur—an arch�end, at the very most. It's very unlikely that he can grant spells. She looked down at the feline, who—not for the �rst time—wished he could use his normal form instead of masquerading as a housecat. Why didn't you stop them?I was invisible, and that would have required revealing myself, he explained, and I �gured that would be bad.No, you just had to sneak out and grab the halves of Saruman's stick before they got there. Kali sighed. Really, Caifaal, you must be just as powerful a psion as I am, but you almost never use your power.I don't have as many levels as you do, he admitted, just a lot of Psi and potential.Well, remind me to rush you sometime, she stated. Sanctuary is on the other side of this planet, and I doubt everything respawns just like in the video game, but there should still be plenty of stuff to kill. I know you don't enjoy killing, but you're a Sekhtali—you practically have the Good subtype—so you shouldn't object to slaughtering demons. She smiled maliciously. Besides, it gets to be really fun sometimes.That's what I'm afraid of, he said quietly.

Something wrong? Firefall asked, picking up on the tone of his murmur.

No, no, Kali said, switching back to English with no effort. Neko-sama was out scouting, and just reported what he saw.Anything on what's happened in Mordor since the Ring was destroyed? Aragorn asked. Did he see any signs of Sauron's death?

Kali slowed down brie�y. Um, about that she muttered, de�nitely isn't dead. cried several voices in unison.

If the fucker hadn't teleported out of the middle of my _katamari_, I could have introduced you guys to him, she grumbled. Yes, I'm talking about the goon who came out of Barad-dûr just as we were leaving Mount Doom. I recognised him right off, and was a bit irritated, as I had been planning to use his Eye as the base of my _katamari_, since spherical things roll much better.

The others had stopped behind her, and she spun around to face them. ? Let's keep moving!You mean to saySauron has already taken physical form Gandalf said in a �at voice.

and you didn't bother to tell us? Firefall �nished, her tone icy.

Kali threw her hands in the air. I didn't know myself until I saw the wanker charging up the �ank of the volcano! If I had said then, Hey, look, it's Sauron,' most of you would have freaked out trying to �ee and half of you would have shat yourselves, to boot!I think I just did anyway, Pippin mumbled, hoping Merry wouldn't overhear.

At least he doesn't have the Ring, Neko-sama pointed out. Until he forges a new one, anywayHe can't, I'm sure, Kali said. He invested a lot of energy in making that one, and part of his essence was still bound up in it when we destroyed it. It will undoubtedly take him some time to recover, and by that time, we will have already kicked his ass.You seem awfully con�dent, Boromir croaked, trying not to let his fear show.

Kali walked over to him. I'll let you in on a secret, Boro-kun. Everyone—even illiterate commoners who do nothing all their lives but farm—has a degree of personal power that can be measured in class levels. —Well, okay, not really— she glanced over her shoulder at Neko-sama, who for all the world appeared to be regarding her with one eyebrow raised skeptically— but let's say, for the sake of argument, that they do. Each level is an abstract amount of of experience that, when added up, converts into a quanti�able amount of power, and there are different classes in which you can take levels, each of which pigeonholes a particular vocation or lifestyle. You, for example She stepped back and stared at him a moment. have fourteen levels of �ghter and four levels of commander. That adds up to 18th-level. Not bad. Oh, I forgot to mention prestige classes—but never mind, I don't want to make your head explode. Sauron, from the information I have gleaned, has a class level in the high 20s, though probably no higher than 30. I, personally, am level 39, with a level adjustment of +8 due to my special abilities. Forty-seven is greater than thirty, yes? Still mostly confused, he nodded. Oh, and while I'm at it, I may as well point out that Athuamë is a level-34 character _and_ has bonus Hit Dice from being an Ainur.I'm terribly sorry, Kali, but I really understood almost none of what you just said.

She sighed. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. _Dungeons and Dragons_ tends to oversimplify life in a rather inaccurate manner, but I was aiming for some kind of analogy that wouldn't take too much explanation to show that I, or Firefall, or—hell—both of us together could easily defeat Sauron.

The Man shook his head, doubtful. I still cannot quite believe that.You did not see the battle at Helm's Deep, my friend, Gimli chuckled. Kali waded through those Orcs like a lava-lizard hunting blinded tunnel-rats! And that was against a horde. There is only one of Sauron.Anyway, Sauron isn't even the biggest threat to Middle-Earth right now, Neko-sama said. Everyone, including Kali, looked to him in surprise. W—well, he doesn't have the One Ring, the cat continued, and I had a dream last night about a far more terrible force that has come to Middle-Earth from across the sea of stars. No, Kali— he snapped, heading her off, —it's not Cthulhu, nor the Ogdru Jahad! It's some kind of—snake-thing.

Kali shrugged. I suppose we should believe him. He's much stronger in the clairsentience psionic talent than I am.

He looked up at her, cocking his head in a cute feline manner. Am I really?I think so. My three strongest talents are Psychokinesis, Biokinesis, and Psychoarcana. Yours, I believe, are Psychokinesis, Psychomancy, and Telepathy. was all he said.

There are several different ways in which psionic energy can be used, Firefall explained, and those in whom the gift manifests itself tend to have stronger potential in one or two of these talents and varying levels of ability with the rest.The discipline with which I am least pro�cient is Psychoshamanism, Kali put in. I'm not surprised, as it's a very rare talent. It's quite dif�cult for me to psionically channel a _Ra Tilt_, for example. But put a city in front of me, and I can levitate it all day.Be that as it may, Gandalf said, gripping his staff in a businesslike manner, we cannot stand around all day talking and admiring the lovely scenery. I suggest we return to Edoras.Yeah, seems like a— Kali was cut off by a bestial shriek echoing through the sky. Wait a minute—! That sounded like a Nazgûl! Shouldn't they have been destroyed when the Ring was reforged?Apparently not, Neko-sama muttered. There are three, headed this way.Now why the hell would they do that? she cried, gesticulating angrily. We don't have the Ring! —I mean, not the Ring _they_ want, anyway!I suggest we go, and quickly! Gandalf decreed, hitching up his robes so he could run more easily.

No. Fuck the Nazgûl. We'll just kill 'em all! Kali swore, producing her elegant and exotic composite bow from the storage amulet hanging around her neck. A quiver appeared around her waist, and she loosed a glowing arrow with barely a glance for aim. Seconds later, there was a horrible cry, followed by a roar of pain. Kali nodded smugly. That's one Nazgoon and one foomhead, she announced, nocking another arrow. I'm so glad my piercing/guided arrows don't follow the rules in the 1.10 patch. More shrieks and roaring. Ah, I love my brokenness. A lightning bolt suddenly shot up from behind a hill some distance away, transpiercing the last Wraith and its steed. As the dead creatures plummeted, a thrown spear reached the top of its parabolic trajectory and began falling to earth. Gandalf noticed this, and his eyebrows rose slowly.

Someone is coming! Riding a— Neko-sama began, then stopped, confused. That's odd. I thought it was a Warg at �rst, but it's more like a big tiger. I'm not sure what kind of—Oh, a _tarun_, Firefall said. Really? I haven't seen one of those for Ages. I didn't think they lived around here anymore.

The rider crested the hill, holding the reins of her semi-feline steed, which was running at top velocity. The two reached the falling spear just before it hit the ground, the rider deftly snatching it from the air and spinning it around to sheath it across her back. She noticed the group, and pulled the _tarun_ to a stop.

she called, raising one arm in greeting. Which among you is Gandalf the Grey?

The companions looked at each other, some mildly uneasy, for random women did not often appear in the Wild and ask for a speci�c member of a party. Kali waved to the stranger and set off toward her.

Gandalf the Grey is now Gandalf the White, she explained, pointing. He's that elderly one in the glowy robes.Ah, thanks. The _tarun_ began moving again, and trotted past Kali up to the remainder of the Fellowship. The rider dismounted and strode over to Gandalf, extending one hand and lowering her head in some form of odd greeting. My mother, Analikë Silverspear, sends her regards, she said, and Gandalf sputtered. My name is Dolynna Ravenhair.Oh, Lamps of the Valar, the Wizard muttered, a bead of sweat sliding down his temple. I should have known something like this could happen.Who is Analikë Silverspear? Aragorn wondered.

She is an Amazon, Gandalf explained, from the Northern Mountains. I met her and her tribe about—oh, it must have been around twenty years ago.That would be about right, since I celebrated my twentieth birthday last month, Dolynna said, a slight grin curving her lips. Gandalf let out a sigh and looked genuinely troubled.

Tell your mother, he requested, that I am terribly sorry to have caused her so much inconvenience. Dolynna laughed. Raacha would be quite pleased to hear you say that, I'm sure! Shialin, the leader of my tribe—you remember _her_, I'm sure—had a son around the time I was born, and Raacha has just never gotten over that. She shrugged. I'm better with magic than most of my tribeswomen, so I studied the arcane arts under Raacha for a while, but when she taught me everything she knew, I came looking for you, since you're a Wizard.It seems your mother trained you in the arts of war, as well, he observed, glancing at the spear-haft visible over her shoulder.

She chuckled. Yes, that she did. Did she _really_ throw a javelin through your knee when you �rst met her?

He closed his eyes, trying not to remember the pain. 

Kali returned to the group, speaking softly to the _tarun_ and extending a hand for it to sniff. It grunted and lowered its head, letting her pet it. When introductions are over, let's get back to Edoras, okay, people? Gandalf muttered. As if I knew any of this in advance. This, as you may have guessed, my companions— he gestured, taking them all in— is my daughter, Dolynna. It seems. I think. Dolynna, these are— and he indicated each one in turn, Kali, Aragorn, Frodo, Samwise, Pippin, Merry, Gimli, Boromir, Athuamë, and— he glanced down at the cat, who was very calmly seated on the ground with the tip of his tail twitching— Neko-sama. But I doubt that's his real name. What you see certainly is not his true form, he �nished in a low voice.

Does it really matter who—or what—I am? Neko-sama asked, surprising Dolynna. I'm on your side, and can predict what the Enemy plans to do next. He licked one paw nonchalantly. Actually, to be perfectly honest, Olorin, I'm a lot like you or Athuamë.Well, now that that's settled— Kali said, blowing right past Gandalf's expression of silent shock, let's just 'port back to Rohan— Without so much as a gesture, they abruptly found themselves in the Golden Hall, and Gandalf began to realise just how disturbing psionics could be. At least you could always tell when someone was casting a spell, because they chanted and usually needed a focus. Usually.

The Rohirrim milling about seemed a bit spooked by the sudden appearance of the new Fellowship, but when they saw Kali was with them, they immediately calmed down. Éowyn was seated on a bench not far from where Théoden and Théodred sat in their thrones, and Legolas was kneeling on the �oorstones in front of her, apparently trying very desperately to explain something.

For crying out loud, Kali muttered, glancing at the pair.

Dare I ask what's going on? Aragorn wondered.

She turned to him and lowered her voice. Legolas and Éowyn Recognised this morning, she explained. That's why I didn't try to bring him. Finding your soulmate is a wonderful experience, but it can also be rather unsettling, especially if you're already in love with someone else.I see.He's probably telling her how torn he is between his love for me and his newfound bond with her, trying to get her to understand. I'd wager he feels quite guilty about it, and wishes there was something that could be done. She sighed. Doesn't get it, silly Elf. He's not cheating on anyone. She strode over and poked him in the shoulder, and he gave a start.

Oh, K he stuttered, quite unlike himself. I—I, er, have something I need to—It's all right, she said, helping him to his feet. I know. Don't worry about it. She embraced him, then bent over to embrace Éowyn, who by now was a most accomplished protégé of hers. I congratulate you both.But—you don't—? the Elf-prince began.

No, no, it's �ne, Kali assured him. And no, I'm not just saying that. She's your soulmate, Lego-sama. You and I are just a good genetic match. It's the way of the Rayaluan—your ancestors—to have lovemates and lifemates. He stared at her, eyes full of longing, and Éowyn folded her arms uncomfortably. Kali sighed. Why don't we discuss this over a nice hot meal? she suggested. I've just spend the last few hours traipsing around the Wild, and I wouldn't mind sitting down for a while Tossing a look over her shoulder at Neko-sama, she ushered the two blondes from the room, inquiring what sort of things they were in the mood to eat.


End file.
